I hate whiners, so I hope this doesn't come across as me whining. If so, someone just ground me and send me to my room for a day or 2, ok? :)
I went to the Chonda Pierce concert last night. First of all, she is TOO FUNNY!!! Second, she talks about her struggle with depression, her life story, about her father who was bipolar and the horrible abuse she went through as a child, and her desire to encourage others to get help for their depression. I think she is doing a great job with that, and will hopefully help many people!
Most of you know that since my hysterectomy (and probably before that, but on a much milder scale) I have been struggling with depression and a way to find the right medications because of some other physical problems - night terrors (night seizures confirmed by a sleep study and EEG), low TSH level, trying to get my hormones where they should be after my hysterectomy, etc.
I will feel good for a while on a new medication, then it will start to cause problems in another area. One medicine caused my blood pressure and pulse to drop to very low levels and had to change. The latest change was working good (with the exception of a wt. gain of 6 lbs in 3 weeks) until about 1 week ago when I started getting really depressed again. And I have had a migraine every day this past week. I have called both of my specialists who are monitoring my meds the most and have set up a time to see them soon. BUT... I need to vent, and this is a good place because I can write what I want, and I am not forcing anyone to read it, but if you want to, go for it :)
Tyler had his cardiac ablation April 27th. My grandad had a heart attack May 4th. Tyler had his follow up cardiology appt. on May 5th, so I had to wait until then to go see my grandad. Drove 9 hours to see my grandad, who "thank you Jesus" was doing pretty good despite his major heart attack. Drove home (9 hours) a few days later. May 19th my grandma (who meant the world to me) went into renal failure and was put in the hospital. I left very quickly to go back to AL to see her. You can see my other blogs about the details of that trip, but as you know, she passed away a few days later on May 25th. We had the funeral on May 27th. The twins birthday was May 29th. Then we just moved to a new house this past week. That is a lot to happen in a short time.
Here's the thing... I want to do so much more, so much better. I want to be a better wife, a better mom, a better pastor's wife. I really want to be involved in our church and help my husband in his ministries. I LOVE the people in our church. They are SOOOOOOOOO sweet and awesome. I can't tell you enough how happy I am that God has placed us here. I know that I have had a lot going on lately, and that moving alone causes a lot of stress... BUT I am having a tough time right now. I have not been the kind of mom I want to be this past week. I haven't been the kind of wife I want to be this past week. And I have not been as much a part of stuff going on at church as I had planned, which really makes me feel bad.
I know I will get better. I know that next week or next month will be different. I am writing all of this partly to get it out of my system; write it down and hopefully make me feel better. But also, I know that some other people may struggle with the same things, and this may help them to know that they are not alone.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11 - 13
Even when I feel "down"; even when I feel like I can't accomplish anything good; I know that the Holy Spirit living inside of me CAN do all things good.
Lord, help me to call upon you and pray to you, knowing you will listen to me. Help me to seek you and let you live through me, even when I don't "feel" like it. I love you Lord!! Forgive me for where I have failed you. Please use this broken vessel for your good. Amen.
10 comments:
Hey girl! First, the ballerina and the ball player has been played many times this week just to make me laugh. Somehow I have forgotten that. Thank you for sharing.
I have been so frustrated and not being the "better" wife, mother, child of God that I want to be. God is really working, and things would probably move along much quicker if I moved more quickly when He spoke, another story. Be still and encourage those around you who are able to work with your precious smile and hugs. We can take on too many things and never give others the chance to do what God has called them to do. You are an encouragement and through these deep waters remember He is God.
Everyone has to figure out the depression thing, and a release for me is working, working, working, but only outside in the yard or barn.(the housework I leave for someone else, hehehehehe) Ask God to show you what one thing you can do this week to help dismantle the depression thing. He is faithful!
You and your family are very special and we are blessed to have you as part of the church family and the family of God!
thanks Dawn! Love ya!
shauna
Shauna, just know that you are NOT alone. Let me repeat it - you ARE NOT ALONE! I struggle too! Just know that you are loved! We love you and will help in any way we can. We are so glad you and Bro. Matt (and kids) came to our church! Can't wait to see what God will do!
Thanks Dee Dee, I will have to get together with you sometime and talk. Love you too!!
Shauna
I just wanted to send you a few hugs from up North ;) ......... hugs ...... I too struggle with many similar things. I hope that the Drs can get your medications to work for you. I just keep repeating, progress not perfection.... that I think is all that God expects from us. Just keep working toward where you want to be knowing that he smiles on our efforts and hearts desires.... Hang in there Shauna. Love you
Cyndi
I just wanted to send you a few hugs from up North ;) ......... hugs ...... I too struggle with many similar things. I hope that the Drs can get your medications to work for you. I just keep repeating, progress not perfection.... that I think is all that God expects from us. Just keep working toward where you want to be knowing that he smiles on our efforts and hearts desires.... Hang in there Shauna. Love you
Cyndi
Thanks Cyndi :)
shauna
i'm sorry it's been a rough time for you. moving doesn't help to balance things out, does it? now that you are MOVED, hopefully the settling in part will come - in the house AND your heart and mind and sleep.
hugs.
Oh Shauna, my heart goes out to you. I understand how bad the desire to do better is and it's so hard when you feel like you just keep getting knocked down. I have been having some problems adjusting after my hysterectomy as well. Darn medications....if it's not one thing, it seems like it's another. It is SO frustrating. And with my hormones adjusting, I haven't been able to keep my ph level balanced. I've been extremely acidic which leads to all kinds of other problems. But a couple weeks ago I was working at a tradeshow and the booth next to me was the bionicband.com. I watched them all weekend and decided to get one since I had a money back guarantee. I'm officially addicted to this bracelet! It's not a magnet. Just go on their website and you can get info on it. It helps with migraines, fatigue, aches and pains, etc. I test my ph level every morning and since I've been wearing it, I'm almost balanced!!No kidding! Just thought I'd tell you about it, it might be something you want to try. I am praying for you sister and remember you have so many friends who are rooting for you! Love:)
That sounds pretty cool Aimee. I will have to check out their website! I got my first Hormone pellets a few months back, and for some reason the estrogen one didn't take, so with every labwork I have had done it has been dropping... so they just ordered my booster, and I get it July 21st. My estrogen level is over twice as low as it was before my pellets were put in!! THat prob. has ALOT to do with how I feel. AND I don't fully understand this yet BUT my TSH levels are low, my Thyroid stimmulating immunoglobulin levels are high, but somehow my T3 and T4 levels are nornal. Don't ask me what all that means other than I have an autoimmune disorder... my body is attacking my thyroid... I shoud have hyperthyroid... but I don't. ???? I am just all out of whack ;)
I am going to look into that bracelet though, that sounds pretty cool.
Shauna
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