room for kids

Our living room was full of sleeping kids tonight. Our newest foster daughter (we got her Wed.) is having a hard time sleeping, so we let her go to sleep on an oversized beanbag (I like to sleep in it too sometimes), then we move her upstairs. The twins were being so sweet tonight and I just needed some time with them, so they fell asleep in the living room too, one on each couch. Our other new foster daughter (got her about 1 month ago) is sleeping in her room, but it is just off of the living room. Madi is the only one who went to sleep in her room tonight, but she was awake a lot last night because of the newest one crying and slamming doors.
I have been thinking a lot lately about God's call on my life. As I look back, I can see that He was preparing me for His plans long before I knew what His plans were. Even as a teenager I sensed God's plan for me was to be a mom. Then when I got married and faced infertility I couldn't understand what He was doing, or why He would place such a strong desire in my heart to be a mom, and then not let me be able to get pregnant. Right before our two year anniversary we moved to a new church where Matt was called as youth pastor. We met a couple in that church that did foster care, and about 6 months later we had our first days as parents. The first mothers day I spent as a foster parent I struggled with thoughts of "am I really a mom, can I really celebrate mother's day". I have now done foster care for almost 12 years, and I can confidantly say I have earned the right to celebrate each and every Mother's day since then. Most people are able to have children without difficulty. In my opinion it is easier to appreciate something when you have to work hard for it. Please don't take that the wrong way - I know that there are MANY parents who have had children easily and love their kids with all that is in them. BUT... every time I look at my kids I see what wonderful gifts and blessings God gave to me, children that I spent MANY hours praying for, tears shed when I wasn't sure IF or WHEN I would receive the children that my heart longed for so deeply. Even now - 12 years, 26 foster children, 4 adoptions, and a total of 28 children God has given to me - we adopted 2 of the foster kids, I am not that bad in math ;) - my heart still breaks for children who need someone to love them. Let me be very clear - I get frustrated A LOT! My kids get on my nerves sometimes, I get tired of the constant noise, I would really like to have more time with my husband, and I would even like to have some time for myself. But as I am sitting here right now, I am looking at a 4 year old little girl who is finally sleeping and I feel relief for both me and her after the trials that we faced today, all of which are rooted in her troubled past, and insecurities. I may not be a great mom, but I love each and every child that is given to me, and my prayer is that God will continue to use me as He sees fit - even when I get tired, frustrated, and want to give up.

Which brings me to where I am tonight, and why I am writing this post. Lately I have wondered "What's next" in my walk with God, especially in the area of being a mommy. I absolutely LOVE being a mom to my foster kids, BUT I am growing increasingly frustrated with the "system". I also see how being a foster parent affects my family in both good and bad ways. I believe my kids are much more accepting than most other kids their age. We have had foster kids of all colors, shapes, and sizes - most with some kind of medical problem. It makes me proud when we get a new foster kid in and Madi, Ty, and La accept them right away, no matter what. That's not to say that they don't get jealous of the amount of time I have to spend with our foster kids, but in the end - I think they are much more compassionate and accepting because of what we do. On the negative side, they are sometimes exposed to behaviors, words, etc. that I really don't want them exposed to. I also see that they are sometimes hurt when they want me to do something with them, and I have to tell them no because I have to give a medicine, change a diaper, etc. I don't want them to resent the foster kids. I have to say, at least for right now - I believe the pro's outweigh the negatives.

This may be stretching it a bit, but this Christmas as I have listened to Christmas songs about how there was no room for Jesus even from His birth - it reminds me of kids in foster care, kids in orphanages; kids, babies, and frozen embryos waiting to be adopted. There are so many kids needing a mommy and daddy to love them, and it seems as though in our society today that there is no room for them either. There are many t.v. commercials and shows about all the needy animals and how our society needs to change to protect them. They show animals underweight, being abused and neglected. Yet very few times do you see something on t.v. about all the children in the world that are in similar situations. I love animals. I once put my horse in the basement because we had a bad snowstorm and I didn't want her to be too cold. Until the twins were born, my dog not only shared my bed, but shared my pillow! Animals don't deserve to be mistreated and they deserve a loving home - but how much more is that true for children!

Which brings me to adoption. We have 2 children we adopted from foster care, and 2 children we adopted as embryos. I wanted so badly to experience pregnancy, and I thank God that He allowed me to be able to carry and give birth to Ty and La. There are moms and "moms in waiting" that long to experience pregnancy and may not be able to. I didn't get to be pregnant with Madison, but I can honestly say that it is not even relevant when it comes to how much I love her!!! As she is growing up I see her being more and more like me (bless her poor little heart - lol). I may not have given birth to her, but she is SOOO my child! :)

Why is it that we see pictures of homeless puppies on t.v. and our heart goes out to them, but when pictures of homeless children are shown we turn the channel or make excuses for not helping to do something about it? Why is it that we can find $4 for a Starbucks coffee, but can't find the $$ to help starving children in other countries? Why do some people see me as "less" of a parent to my children because they are not genetically mine, yet see others as "real" parents (even if they do horrible things to them) just because they conceived them? (Sorry, got off on a soap box there)

OK, I will be 35 in 4 months. I have been married for 14 years, and 12 of those years we have had children in our home ranging from 24 week preemies to raising our oldest son who will be 21 next week. "I want" to have more time with Matt. "I want" to have more free time for myself. "I want" to be able to spend more time with Madi, Tyler, and Lauren. But... I also want to help this little 4 year old sleeping in front of me to learn to trust again, to learn what love is, and most of all to learn about God's love. I want to help the mother of my other foster child who is willing to do anything to get her child back. I also really want a baby to love. I have longed to care for another baby since our foster baby died last year. I wish Tyler had a brother to play with. If we had the money, I know I would want to adopt "just 1 more" baby (if I could convince my husband - lol). "I" can't do it all on my own. Just like I couldn't control the circumstances with my infertility. God was and is using it all to direct me where He wants me to go, I just don't see where yet.