Is it almost time?

All day long, every day , without fail my kids want a constant update of our itinerary for the day. It makes me so frustrated. I get tired of telling the same thing 3 times, and then explaining 3 times why plans changed, etc. So I try to be courteous and tell them the basics; but then assure them that no matter what I will make sure that they go where I go; or that they are taken care of if they don't go with me.

Evaluating myself and my life, I like to know what is next in life and when it is going to happen too. I am ok with trusting God with the unknowns as long as I feel peace that I am where He wants me; BUT... I still struggle with wanting to know what's next, or how long until the next anticipated thing; etc.

I could really drag this post out by expounding on many areas; but there really is only one thing on my heart and mind tonight; and to most of you it will seem very trivial and silly. But... it is my first baby - my dog, Duke.

Before we had kids, when we were first diagnosed with infertility and going through the emotional turmoil that goes along with that diagnosis; I got a puppy. I admit, I wanted a full blooded Rottweiler, but a family in our church had 1/2 Rott and 1/2 Lab puppies they were giving away. So free is really good ;) Matt convinced me to at least go look at them. It was winter time, right after Christmas I think. The puppies were only 5 weeks old, but they were already eating puppy food, and they were living outside in north FL which does get cold, and the family was really trying to go ahead and give them away... so I took one. He was SO little. 2 pounds actually. I would bathe him in the bathroom sink and then dry him off and wrap him up in a towel and rock him to sleep. He was my baby. He really was. One night while my mom was visiting with us, Duke went missing. We couldn't find him ANYWHERE! We called and called his name. We looked all over the 2 acre property at 11:00 at night in cold weather! We came back inside, I was in tears, and out comes this little 2 pound puppy from under the couch. He had gone under there to sleep. From then on until he got big enough that he wouldn't fit, that was his sleeping place. About 7 years later we were on a youth trip at camp and had Duke with us; we were packing up to go home and once again looked everywhere for him, called his name over and over - he was no where to be found. Once again, I am in tears. This time there were about 50 other people to witness my emotional meltdown over this mutt, until one of the couples with us went to put something in their car and found him in their back seat. They had left the back door open and he didn't want to be left behind, so he had already secured his ride back home - lol.

I am sure he has protected us many times if not saved us a few times. One time I was putting my preemie foster baby in the van in front of our house in Miami and had left the front door open because I had my hands full. All of a sudden, Duke came barging out of the house barking and growling; I looked up in time to see a man that had been right up on me, moving very quickly away from me!

"He" has been bitten many times by all of our children and most of our foster children, but has never bitten any of them - lol. He has been ridden like a pony, had his ears pulled, been used as a pillow, and been loved by just about anyone who has ever met him - whether they normally like dogs or not.

So... is it almost time? I have always said, and I have even prayed that Duke would just die when it is time, because I just don't know that I can make the decision to put him to sleep. He has always been my baby, my protector, my friend; he has always looked after me. Even now when he can't walk very well, he follows me wherever I go, and waits for me to go to bed before he goes to bed. Talk about loyal!! But for the past 3 days or so, he has been tripping when he walks, he is very slow to get up, he is whining more often although not constantly. Two days ago I started crying again over Duke, but this time it is because I am afraid that the time is coming soon that he really will be gone. I know he is just a dog. But to me, he is my baby. Right now the hard part is knowing when or if I have to have him put to sleep. And also the thoughts of not having him anymore. I have doctors appts tomorrow with some of the kids, but if he isn't better by Friday, I may make an appt with the vet and at least see what they say.

Duke will be 13 in November! That is really old for a Rott or Lab. I do thank God for giving him to me when I really needed him! I will thank God if I get to keep him for another year or two and I will thank God for the nearly 13 years if I have to let him go soon.

I wish I knew if it was time to let go, time to say goodbye - we will see...

I know to many of you this just doesn't make sense and you are saying, that is so stupid - it is a DOG. I know, he is just a dog, but I love him very much; so the hurt is real. And I don't know what will happen yet. I thought I was going to lose him a few months ago and he pulled through. So who knows... but I just have a different feeling this time. And I needed to express my thoughts and feelings. Some of you will understand ;)