Thoughts and Songs

I miss LoLo, a lot.

Once again I said my goodbyes
To those I love most
My heart feels that familiar pain
As I long for home
'Cause this road is hard
When I feel so far

God I'm crying out tonight
'Cause I've given You my life
But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind
So once more here's my life (Here's My Life by Barlow Girl)

I love being a foster parent, because I love my foster kids. But at times, I think about not doing it anymore. It is hard. It hurts when I get attached and then they go home. It hurts when a baby dies because someone hurt him. It hurts when a 3 year old screams when you go to bathe him because he thinks he is going to be burned by the water. It gets old having to do the same paperwork over and over every year. It gets old having people constantly in my home evaluating how clean I keep the house, how I am parenting, etc. BUT... it is what God has called me to do, so to God I say... "Here's My Life".

Of course there are lots of rewards. I have a picture album full of them. And my heart is full of memories which I am very thankful for! Not to mention - these kids deserve someone to love them and take good care of them. I wish more people would become foster parents and love these kids with all their heart!

I am very emotional tonight. In fact, I probably shouldn't even write a post tonight, because it will probably reflect my out of control emotions. But I also try to be real. I don't want to be pessimistic, or a person who complains often. But I also don't want to be a "fake" Christian. The Bible says that we will all have good times and bad times. I don't think it is realistic to pretend like we don't have hurt feelings, or bad days just because we have Christ in our lives. The difference is that we can take our hurt feelings, doubts and concerns to Christ, and He will love us, heal us, and lead us to where He wants us to be. All in His timing. I struggle with waiting on HIS timing.

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

"I Believe" by Barlow Girl

I LOVE that song!! It reflects where I am right now.

Matt and I have had a lot of choices to make lately. And we REALLY want to make sure we do what God wants us to do. Because of that, we have tried to take our time, and make sure we are following HIS lead. Yet, we still don't really have a definate answer to many questions, and some of our circumstances are getting more urgent for us to know what we are doing. With the big question of "What to do" in my mind, here is the 2 Bible verses I got on my email today:
"A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps" (Proverbs 16:9).
“Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.” (John 6:35).