Sorry I haven't been here much lately. For one thing we have been busy with our schedules and haven't had much free time. And to be honest, when I would think about blogging, part of me wants to open, free, and honest (I think I am that way most of the time); part of me just didn't feel like talking much; and then part of me just wasn't sure what to say. So... here's a somewhat brief tale of what's been happening around here lately:
1. My migraines - I think I have had maybe 6 or 7 days since May 27th that I haven't had a migraine...But overall, I do think they are improving. They are not lasting as long and/or are not as severe (at least most days) :)
2. Figured out my estrogen levels were dropping with every bloodwork I had done. For some reason, the hormone pellets I had done either didn't work or were not enough for me; so I am getting a booster on the 21st. Until then I am back on an estrogen patch, and it has made me feel a little bit better.
3. (If anyone out there can explain this to me... PLEASE do!! My TSH levels are low, my TSI (thyroid stimulating immunoglobulin) levels are high, but my free T3 and T4 levels are within normal limits. So the doctor basically said I have an autoimmune disease where my body is attacking my thyroid, but as long as my T3 and T4 are normal we won't worry about it... but that we need to watch it closely.) I am still a little concerned and a lot confused about that. Everything I have read makes me think hyperthyroidism is coming and just not full blown yet, but to be honest, I am just really confused by it all.
4. As far as feeling like myself again... I think I am on the right track. I am not as depressed and I don't feel nearly as overwhelmed. I am laughing more. I feel more like myself. :)
Matt and I have made a decision that we took months to pray about, and also had a couple that we truly look up to spiritually to come and pray with us and talk with us before we made this decision. We have decided to stop doing foster care. On one hand it breaks my heart. I TRULY wish that I could give every child out there that needs a home to live in and be loved, I wish I could do that for them. But after 13 years and 27 foster children; with my migraines, with my hormones being out of whack, with my thyroid doing crazy stuff, homeschooling my kids, helping Matt with church stuff, being a wife and a mom, etc. I am just absolutely exhausted. Matt began to sense God leading us in this direction about a year ago, but I was hesitant. I began to consider it a few months ago, but even now, I know it is God's will and I am willing to obey 100%, but it breaks my heart in some ways. I look forward to the break. I look forward to the decrease in stress in our household. I look forward to more quality time with my kids. I look forward to a more focussed year of homeschool with my kids. And I look forward to some more quality time with my husband.
I am looking forward to our church this year. The people seem excited, and we have several new programs that we are going to possibly be starting this fall. One thing that kept being repeated over and over to me regarding not doing foster care anymore was "God usually doesn't take away 1 desire without giving you another" Well, it is true... God has really increased my desire to help my husband in his ministry as pastor at our church. We love the people at our church, and we long to reach out the family members of our church people and to the people in our community.
Well, there are some other things, I had hoped to tell you about, but it is getting late, and I am getting tired and Ari's nurse will be here soon. So... I will try to write again soon. ;)
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Better Days Ahead
My headaches are better. They aren't completely gone, but they are much better. I have also been reminded of how many friends I have, and how truly blessed I am. I don't mean that to sound cheesy or fake. I seriously mean that. There are days that my depression gets the best of me, but God is still on His throne even on those days! And God has a plan for me, He has a plan for you; he has a plan for all of us.
Just wanted to let you know I am doing better. Still need some prayers... but getting better. Thank you all!
Shauna
Just wanted to let you know I am doing better. Still need some prayers... but getting better. Thank you all!
Shauna
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Tough Times
I hate whiners, so I hope this doesn't come across as me whining. If so, someone just ground me and send me to my room for a day or 2, ok? :)
I went to the Chonda Pierce concert last night. First of all, she is TOO FUNNY!!! Second, she talks about her struggle with depression, her life story, about her father who was bipolar and the horrible abuse she went through as a child, and her desire to encourage others to get help for their depression. I think she is doing a great job with that, and will hopefully help many people!
Most of you know that since my hysterectomy (and probably before that, but on a much milder scale) I have been struggling with depression and a way to find the right medications because of some other physical problems - night terrors (night seizures confirmed by a sleep study and EEG), low TSH level, trying to get my hormones where they should be after my hysterectomy, etc.
I will feel good for a while on a new medication, then it will start to cause problems in another area. One medicine caused my blood pressure and pulse to drop to very low levels and had to change. The latest change was working good (with the exception of a wt. gain of 6 lbs in 3 weeks) until about 1 week ago when I started getting really depressed again. And I have had a migraine every day this past week. I have called both of my specialists who are monitoring my meds the most and have set up a time to see them soon. BUT... I need to vent, and this is a good place because I can write what I want, and I am not forcing anyone to read it, but if you want to, go for it :)
Tyler had his cardiac ablation April 27th. My grandad had a heart attack May 4th. Tyler had his follow up cardiology appt. on May 5th, so I had to wait until then to go see my grandad. Drove 9 hours to see my grandad, who "thank you Jesus" was doing pretty good despite his major heart attack. Drove home (9 hours) a few days later. May 19th my grandma (who meant the world to me) went into renal failure and was put in the hospital. I left very quickly to go back to AL to see her. You can see my other blogs about the details of that trip, but as you know, she passed away a few days later on May 25th. We had the funeral on May 27th. The twins birthday was May 29th. Then we just moved to a new house this past week. That is a lot to happen in a short time.
Here's the thing... I want to do so much more, so much better. I want to be a better wife, a better mom, a better pastor's wife. I really want to be involved in our church and help my husband in his ministries. I LOVE the people in our church. They are SOOOOOOOOO sweet and awesome. I can't tell you enough how happy I am that God has placed us here. I know that I have had a lot going on lately, and that moving alone causes a lot of stress... BUT I am having a tough time right now. I have not been the kind of mom I want to be this past week. I haven't been the kind of wife I want to be this past week. And I have not been as much a part of stuff going on at church as I had planned, which really makes me feel bad.
I know I will get better. I know that next week or next month will be different. I am writing all of this partly to get it out of my system; write it down and hopefully make me feel better. But also, I know that some other people may struggle with the same things, and this may help them to know that they are not alone.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11 - 13
Even when I feel "down"; even when I feel like I can't accomplish anything good; I know that the Holy Spirit living inside of me CAN do all things good.
Lord, help me to call upon you and pray to you, knowing you will listen to me. Help me to seek you and let you live through me, even when I don't "feel" like it. I love you Lord!! Forgive me for where I have failed you. Please use this broken vessel for your good. Amen.
I went to the Chonda Pierce concert last night. First of all, she is TOO FUNNY!!! Second, she talks about her struggle with depression, her life story, about her father who was bipolar and the horrible abuse she went through as a child, and her desire to encourage others to get help for their depression. I think she is doing a great job with that, and will hopefully help many people!
Most of you know that since my hysterectomy (and probably before that, but on a much milder scale) I have been struggling with depression and a way to find the right medications because of some other physical problems - night terrors (night seizures confirmed by a sleep study and EEG), low TSH level, trying to get my hormones where they should be after my hysterectomy, etc.
I will feel good for a while on a new medication, then it will start to cause problems in another area. One medicine caused my blood pressure and pulse to drop to very low levels and had to change. The latest change was working good (with the exception of a wt. gain of 6 lbs in 3 weeks) until about 1 week ago when I started getting really depressed again. And I have had a migraine every day this past week. I have called both of my specialists who are monitoring my meds the most and have set up a time to see them soon. BUT... I need to vent, and this is a good place because I can write what I want, and I am not forcing anyone to read it, but if you want to, go for it :)
Tyler had his cardiac ablation April 27th. My grandad had a heart attack May 4th. Tyler had his follow up cardiology appt. on May 5th, so I had to wait until then to go see my grandad. Drove 9 hours to see my grandad, who "thank you Jesus" was doing pretty good despite his major heart attack. Drove home (9 hours) a few days later. May 19th my grandma (who meant the world to me) went into renal failure and was put in the hospital. I left very quickly to go back to AL to see her. You can see my other blogs about the details of that trip, but as you know, she passed away a few days later on May 25th. We had the funeral on May 27th. The twins birthday was May 29th. Then we just moved to a new house this past week. That is a lot to happen in a short time.
Here's the thing... I want to do so much more, so much better. I want to be a better wife, a better mom, a better pastor's wife. I really want to be involved in our church and help my husband in his ministries. I LOVE the people in our church. They are SOOOOOOOOO sweet and awesome. I can't tell you enough how happy I am that God has placed us here. I know that I have had a lot going on lately, and that moving alone causes a lot of stress... BUT I am having a tough time right now. I have not been the kind of mom I want to be this past week. I haven't been the kind of wife I want to be this past week. And I have not been as much a part of stuff going on at church as I had planned, which really makes me feel bad.
I know I will get better. I know that next week or next month will be different. I am writing all of this partly to get it out of my system; write it down and hopefully make me feel better. But also, I know that some other people may struggle with the same things, and this may help them to know that they are not alone.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11 - 13
Even when I feel "down"; even when I feel like I can't accomplish anything good; I know that the Holy Spirit living inside of me CAN do all things good.
Lord, help me to call upon you and pray to you, knowing you will listen to me. Help me to seek you and let you live through me, even when I don't "feel" like it. I love you Lord!! Forgive me for where I have failed you. Please use this broken vessel for your good. Amen.
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Ballerina and The Baseball Player
My, oh my... what happened to my babies?? The twins turned 6 recently; very hard to believe.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Regrets
We all have regrets in life. Things we wish we would have done differently, or maybe not done at all. I was going through some stuff today while trying to purge and pack (we are moving soon). I found where Granny had sent me a birthday card a few years ago. In it, she had included a picture of her at her 81st birthday party. On the back of the picture she had written..."The family gave me a birthday party, and I thought you might like a picture" I don't really remember all the circumstances that were happening at that time, but I do remember that I didn't find out about the party until shortly before it, and I was not able to make plans to attend. Granny meant the world to me, and it hurts that she thought I just didn't want to come. We had a chance to talk after that, and I feel confindant that she knew how much I loved her, and she was not upset with me about not attending her birthday party. However, I wish that circumstances could have been different, and that I could have attended this party that obviously meant a lot to her.
There are bigger regrets in life though. Times when we choose to do the wrong thing instead of the right thing. Times when we hurt God by our sins, when we hurt ourselves by going against His will. I have those regrets too, just like you, just like everyone. When we offend, hurt, or disappoint "people" we often get a reaction that isn't pleasant. So... we tend to expect the same from God. We wait for something "bad" to happen because we know we have sinned. Or we wonder what we did wrong when something bad happens in our lives. I have had those thoughts before. When Tyler had his surgery, especially the first one, I kept thinking that God might take my son away from me because of sin in my life.
All of this is coming together in my mind because of several things that have happened lately. I have had the privaledge of witnessing to 2 people recently, both of which had questions about "doing things right"... I had someone else close to me call and tell me through tears that she was scared that God would allow something bad to happen to her daughter because while reading "The Shack" she began to think that she would be angry with God and possibly unforgiving if something bad happened to her daughter. Matt gave me a video to watch by Louie Giglio "Hope, When Life Hurts Most"... in it Louie talks about how bad things happen to everyone, and there isn't always a "bow" on the package at the end of the story. I also finished reading "Loving our Kids on Purpose" recently, and it has made me look at how I view things in my life - disciplining my kids, how I respond to people around me, and how I respond to God. I can't control what other people do, but I can control me. I have regrets. Sometimes those regrets come with consequences, but never do those regrets take me away from God who has promised to "never leave me nor forsake me". There will be hard times in my life, there will be sad times and lots of regrets; but I will always have the God of the Universe, Who is in complete control at all times, and yet allows me the freedom to make my own choices; I will always have The God who holds the world in His hands to turn to and run to and He will always welcome me with open arms. There will be consequences to sin, but God will never turn away from someone who is honestly looking for Him.
"Which of your fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:11 - 13
I have many regrets, but my one hope; my salvation; my promise is in Jesus Christ. I will see Granny again. God has already forgiven me for any sin, any mistake I will ever make. Because He paid the price for my sins on the cross, I don't have to worry about Him "punishing" me when I mess up. There may be natural consequences, but God will always love me and never leave me.
There are bigger regrets in life though. Times when we choose to do the wrong thing instead of the right thing. Times when we hurt God by our sins, when we hurt ourselves by going against His will. I have those regrets too, just like you, just like everyone. When we offend, hurt, or disappoint "people" we often get a reaction that isn't pleasant. So... we tend to expect the same from God. We wait for something "bad" to happen because we know we have sinned. Or we wonder what we did wrong when something bad happens in our lives. I have had those thoughts before. When Tyler had his surgery, especially the first one, I kept thinking that God might take my son away from me because of sin in my life.
All of this is coming together in my mind because of several things that have happened lately. I have had the privaledge of witnessing to 2 people recently, both of which had questions about "doing things right"... I had someone else close to me call and tell me through tears that she was scared that God would allow something bad to happen to her daughter because while reading "The Shack" she began to think that she would be angry with God and possibly unforgiving if something bad happened to her daughter. Matt gave me a video to watch by Louie Giglio "Hope, When Life Hurts Most"... in it Louie talks about how bad things happen to everyone, and there isn't always a "bow" on the package at the end of the story. I also finished reading "Loving our Kids on Purpose" recently, and it has made me look at how I view things in my life - disciplining my kids, how I respond to people around me, and how I respond to God. I can't control what other people do, but I can control me. I have regrets. Sometimes those regrets come with consequences, but never do those regrets take me away from God who has promised to "never leave me nor forsake me". There will be hard times in my life, there will be sad times and lots of regrets; but I will always have the God of the Universe, Who is in complete control at all times, and yet allows me the freedom to make my own choices; I will always have The God who holds the world in His hands to turn to and run to and He will always welcome me with open arms. There will be consequences to sin, but God will never turn away from someone who is honestly looking for Him.
"Which of your fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!" Luke 11:11 - 13
I have many regrets, but my one hope; my salvation; my promise is in Jesus Christ. I will see Granny again. God has already forgiven me for any sin, any mistake I will ever make. Because He paid the price for my sins on the cross, I don't have to worry about Him "punishing" me when I mess up. There may be natural consequences, but God will always love me and never leave me.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Granny's Faith
First of all, Taryn, I hope you don't mind I used your picture :) This is my beautiful niece, Taryn, with Granny and Pa.
Granny loved her family. My goal in life is to be like Jesus, but Granny sure did give a good example of how to love your family AND how to love God.
I remember when I was a little girl, Granny would tell me stories of how she and her brother used to sing gospel songs on the radio; and I thought that was amazing :) Granny would sing anywhere. She sang her favorite hymns around the house, in the yard, in the car, wherever. But the cooloest thing was when I was a teenager and a Bon Jovi fan (I know, don't hold that against me - lol) Granny would sing BonJovi songs right along with me - in the house, in the car, and even in an icecream store :) She loved to sing, but she loved me more. She taught me that you can have fun and love Jesus too... in fact, that is the way it was meant to be. I never heard her pray for me, but I know she did. I watched her read her Bible, sing about Jesus, and love her family. I know my goal is to be like Jesus; but Granny gave me a great example to follow of living to try and be like Jesus. When I am old(er), or when I leave this world, I hope my children (and hopefully grandchildren) will have memories about me like I have about Granny. Memories of faith lived out, love, fun, sweet and gentle, and maybe a little stubborn too ;)
To the great grandchildren: Scott, Taryn, Bishop, Whitney, Dawson, Madison, Ashley(I know I spelled that wrong, but I can't remember how you spell it, my brain is still not functioning at 100%), Tyler, Lauren, and George... you guys may not remember as much about Granny as much as your parents do; or your memories may be of her after her dementia set in. Let me tell you that she loved each and every one of you! We joke about some of you being the favorites, but I know she loved you all VERY much!! And what she wanted more than anything, is for all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren to love Jesus and live for Him. I will continue to pray for all of you, as I'm sure Granny did (and Pa still does). Life is tough, and there are many distractions. Just don't forget that the most important thing is to love God with all of your heart, live out your faith, and have fun doing it!!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thank You
I just want to say thank you to everyone who helped me and prayed for me while I was with my Granny and then after she went home to Heaven.
Rebekah - thanks for watching the kids for me. I usually feel like I am putting a burden on someone when I ask them to watch the kids, but your willingness and loving attitude helped me to not worry about you or them. Then of course when Madi stated "but she loves me" I knew you had really loved on my kids, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!!! I miss you. I'm sure there has to be a picture somewhere of us together as kids... it would be cool to get a picture of Alyssa and Lauren together if we can find one of us together when we were their age.
Tammy - thanks for listening to me and letting me sort through things by talking to you. I miss you too, and I am looking forward to getting together soon. I also want to take this time to tell you that although it was my granny who planted the seed in my heart, and lived her life in a way that led me to God... it was you who reaped the harvest and finished the process of leading me to Christ. Whenever I give my testimony I always mention you and Granny. Thank you!!!
Matt - I knew you would do a good job speaking at Granny's funeral; but you really did do an awesome job!! You said what she would have wanted you to say. You made it so personal, we all laughed as we pictured her doing the things you spoke of. You left nothing out when you spoke of her faith and how it was absolutely the most important thing to her. And I am so glad you told about her love and committment to Grandaddy and to her children and grandchildren. You made me proud, you made me happy, you truly honored God and Granny with all that you said. I can't thank you enough for that. I love you so much! The past week has been so hard on me. Times are tough, but I want you to know that I love you very much!
Jen, Sharlene, Doni, Debbie, Sharon, and all the others who asked about me and prayed for me...THANK YOU!!!
Rebekah - thanks for watching the kids for me. I usually feel like I am putting a burden on someone when I ask them to watch the kids, but your willingness and loving attitude helped me to not worry about you or them. Then of course when Madi stated "but she loves me" I knew you had really loved on my kids, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that!!! I miss you. I'm sure there has to be a picture somewhere of us together as kids... it would be cool to get a picture of Alyssa and Lauren together if we can find one of us together when we were their age.
Tammy - thanks for listening to me and letting me sort through things by talking to you. I miss you too, and I am looking forward to getting together soon. I also want to take this time to tell you that although it was my granny who planted the seed in my heart, and lived her life in a way that led me to God... it was you who reaped the harvest and finished the process of leading me to Christ. Whenever I give my testimony I always mention you and Granny. Thank you!!!
Matt - I knew you would do a good job speaking at Granny's funeral; but you really did do an awesome job!! You said what she would have wanted you to say. You made it so personal, we all laughed as we pictured her doing the things you spoke of. You left nothing out when you spoke of her faith and how it was absolutely the most important thing to her. And I am so glad you told about her love and committment to Grandaddy and to her children and grandchildren. You made me proud, you made me happy, you truly honored God and Granny with all that you said. I can't thank you enough for that. I love you so much! The past week has been so hard on me. Times are tough, but I want you to know that I love you very much!
Jen, Sharlene, Doni, Debbie, Sharon, and all the others who asked about me and prayed for me...THANK YOU!!!
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