You have heard it said "Be careful what you say", well evidentally, be careful what you "write" too. About 2 hours after I wrote the last blog about trusting God, I got an email from Medical Foster Care giving me a deadline of Friday to complete several tasks, of which I was unaware I needed to do, and which are pretty much impossible to do by Friday. If I don't have them completed, I will not be able to do Medical Foster Care anymore.
Trusting God with the baby that we love.
Trusting God with a source of our income.
Yeah, I think I am sinking... trying to look up and step out on faith; but it is VERY hard to do!!!!
Oh, and just to add to it, the kids are sick and throwing up. And I feel like I could start throwing up at any point.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
On The Water
We have just gotten our pool back to where we can swim in it again (although there is still pollen in it). The twins are still learning to swim. I say that; they can both swim across our pool but give out a couple of feet from their destination. They are not tall enough to stand in the pool, so they have to wear floaties (gotta buy some new ones, can't find last years, so they have had to wear life jackets till I get some). Then we work one on one with swimming. One thing I am making them do every time we get in the pool is trying to float on their back. If they ever fall in a pool or lake I want them to be able to turn over and float on their back when they give out of energy from swimming.
This has proven to be a big challenge. Every day I tell them to relax, I WILL NOT let them fall under water, and I never have; I have earned that trust. I also tell them every day that they have to hold their head up, look up at the sky, and relax... if you tense up, if you don't trust me to catch you - you are going to start sinking. Both of them say they trust me, they know I won't let them go under, but neither of them has been able to fully relax and follow my directions, neither of them has truly trusted enough to fully relax in the water and just float.
I think that is where I am with God. I know He will always catch me, He has never failed me before, He has DEFINATELY earned my trust; and yet for some reason I can't just hold my head up, look up to the sky, and trust God completely. Doing so would mean that I could truly relax and just float on the water of life, enjoy the waves, not exerting extra energy when I have already run out of energy; and knowing that my Daddy is right beside me with His hands waiting to catch me. I think I am like Tyler and Lauren; I do trust God, and I think they do trust me; but... the human part of us wants to maintain some sense of control - we try to do it on our own, and we end up sinking.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is when Peter walked on the water. Sure, he started sinking, and Jesus was right there to catch him, He didn't let him drown. But before that, he actually walked on the water. Can you imagine?!? I want the twins to trust me enough to float on the water, can you imagine trusting God enough to WALK on the water?!?! It must have been awesome!!!
I got my hormone pellets this morning, and I was talking to my doctor and he said "you know, I think God puts changes in our lives for us to enjoy. Can you imagine if nothing ever changed, how boring that would be? So many times people stress when there is change in their lives instead of experiencing and enjoying the journey of where God is taking them."
I trust God because He has never left me, never failed me. I would like to think that I would have had faith like Peter and gotten to experience walking on water. I would like to say that I could even float on the water of life, much less walk on the water of life. But to be completely honest, although I know He won't let me go, I still try to hold on. There have been times in my life that I would describe as "walking on the water", times I trusted God and let go, times when I experienced things that only God can do; and they have been amazing. I hold those memories very close in my heart. But there are many more times where I didn't even get out of the boat.
One of my favorite songs right now is "Walk on the Water" by Britt Nichole. I want Lauren to sing it in church. God has given her a beautiful voice, and a deep love of music and singing. But she is also VERY shy. Getting up on stage in front of people and singing would take as much faith on her part as it would to walk on water. She talked to me about this song one day, and told me all about Peter walking on the water. I talked with her about the lyrics that say:
"Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too"
I told her that God gave her a beautiful voice and it would be awesome for her to sing in church. We talked about being shy and insecurities. I will encourage her, but I won't push her; because I know I am no different. My insecurities hold me back every day.
"Abba, help me to trust you enough to not only float on the water, but to walk on the water. Help me to trust You enough that I can let go of my insecurities, let go of what I think is my control, and help me to ENJOY this journey You have me on called life."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R3K0sqgfvM
This has proven to be a big challenge. Every day I tell them to relax, I WILL NOT let them fall under water, and I never have; I have earned that trust. I also tell them every day that they have to hold their head up, look up at the sky, and relax... if you tense up, if you don't trust me to catch you - you are going to start sinking. Both of them say they trust me, they know I won't let them go under, but neither of them has been able to fully relax and follow my directions, neither of them has truly trusted enough to fully relax in the water and just float.
I think that is where I am with God. I know He will always catch me, He has never failed me before, He has DEFINATELY earned my trust; and yet for some reason I can't just hold my head up, look up to the sky, and trust God completely. Doing so would mean that I could truly relax and just float on the water of life, enjoy the waves, not exerting extra energy when I have already run out of energy; and knowing that my Daddy is right beside me with His hands waiting to catch me. I think I am like Tyler and Lauren; I do trust God, and I think they do trust me; but... the human part of us wants to maintain some sense of control - we try to do it on our own, and we end up sinking.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible is when Peter walked on the water. Sure, he started sinking, and Jesus was right there to catch him, He didn't let him drown. But before that, he actually walked on the water. Can you imagine?!? I want the twins to trust me enough to float on the water, can you imagine trusting God enough to WALK on the water?!?! It must have been awesome!!!
I got my hormone pellets this morning, and I was talking to my doctor and he said "you know, I think God puts changes in our lives for us to enjoy. Can you imagine if nothing ever changed, how boring that would be? So many times people stress when there is change in their lives instead of experiencing and enjoying the journey of where God is taking them."
I trust God because He has never left me, never failed me. I would like to think that I would have had faith like Peter and gotten to experience walking on water. I would like to say that I could even float on the water of life, much less walk on the water of life. But to be completely honest, although I know He won't let me go, I still try to hold on. There have been times in my life that I would describe as "walking on the water", times I trusted God and let go, times when I experienced things that only God can do; and they have been amazing. I hold those memories very close in my heart. But there are many more times where I didn't even get out of the boat.
One of my favorite songs right now is "Walk on the Water" by Britt Nichole. I want Lauren to sing it in church. God has given her a beautiful voice, and a deep love of music and singing. But she is also VERY shy. Getting up on stage in front of people and singing would take as much faith on her part as it would to walk on water. She talked to me about this song one day, and told me all about Peter walking on the water. I talked with her about the lyrics that say:
"Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all
It takes and you can
Walk on the water too"
I told her that God gave her a beautiful voice and it would be awesome for her to sing in church. We talked about being shy and insecurities. I will encourage her, but I won't push her; because I know I am no different. My insecurities hold me back every day.
"Abba, help me to trust you enough to not only float on the water, but to walk on the water. Help me to trust You enough that I can let go of my insecurities, let go of what I think is my control, and help me to ENJOY this journey You have me on called life."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7R3K0sqgfvM
Monday, May 10, 2010
"triplets"
We moved here when the twins were 9 months old, and met our friends Kevin and Kelly who have a son who is 3 weeks older than my twins. The 3 of them have grown up together, and soon after we moved here they became known as the triplets. They were always together and going through stages of life together. I will never forget during one Vacation Bible School when they were about 2 or 3 and I looked in the nursery window to check on them and I see Kaleb, Tyler, and Lauren sitting squished together on one side of a little table and one other kid (who was visiting)sitting all alone on the other side. Although I felt bad for the other little boy, it was so funny that the "triplets" were so close together.
Well, although we still live near them, we now attend a different church; and with busy schedules we just haven't seen each other as much as any of us would like to. We had the joy of going to see Kaleb's baptism a few weeks ago, and this was the first time they had seen each other in several months. This is what they did:
And here is a picture of the 3 of them together. Notice how small the twins are! They have always been in about the 10th% for height and about 3rd - 5th% for weight. Their doctor keeps assuring me they are healthy :) I just wish I could put a little bit of weight on them. Matt and I were talking this morning and saying we wish we could donate some of "our" fat to them - lol.
Well, although we still live near them, we now attend a different church; and with busy schedules we just haven't seen each other as much as any of us would like to. We had the joy of going to see Kaleb's baptism a few weeks ago, and this was the first time they had seen each other in several months. This is what they did:
And here is a picture of the 3 of them together. Notice how small the twins are! They have always been in about the 10th% for height and about 3rd - 5th% for weight. Their doctor keeps assuring me they are healthy :) I just wish I could put a little bit of weight on them. Matt and I were talking this morning and saying we wish we could donate some of "our" fat to them - lol.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
cherish the moments
I just finished praying with Lauren. She was the last one to go to sleep tonight. I went in to check on them; and really, just to look at them.
We had 2 funerals today, and although we didn't attend the funeral last Saturday because of Matt's graduation; there was a funeral then too.
One lady in our church lost her son to cancer. He was an adult, and had been on Hospice for a while, so although it was expected, it came sooner than the family thought it would; and of course there is grieving there. The lady from our church is SOOOO sweet. She was telling me that she cared for her mother at home for a few years before she died, and then she cared for her son at home before he died. I told her how amazing and awesome it was that she did that. But how sad too. I held Ms. Grace's hand the night her son died, and she held on so tight. I hated to leave her house that night; but I know God was there holding her tighter than I ever could. And it showed too, her love and trust in God is clearly seen.
The funeral tonight was for one of Matt's students. He died in a car accident this past weekend. He was a senior in high school, 20 days away from graduation; and 21 days after his 18th birthday. I hugged his mom tonight, and again wished I could somehow hug her tight enough to give her strength. But I was amazed at the strength that she already had; and throughout the funeral it was so very clear that God was and is with this family right now in such a mighty way.
The funeral last Saturday was for a 6 year old little girl. She was riding on the back of a golf cart and her foot got caught in the wheel, she fell off and hit her head; and died a few days later.
I can't imagine losing any of my children. Not at 6, not at 18, or even as an adult. BUT as hard as it is to accept; I know that I have NO control over their lives. When we were struggling with infertility, it was so frustrating that some people could "choose" when they wanted to have a child and could easily get pregnant right away, and yet we had NO control over something that we presumed we "would" have control over. We presume that 6 year olds won't die, or that 18 year olds won't die. And it makes it that much harder to accept when they do; because we don't think it can or will happen.
I want to take advantage of every minute God gives me with my children and with my husband; because although I don't even want to say or write it, I know that God is in control of their lives and I have no say so in how long their lives will be. I want to cherish every minute that God gives me with them.
It is easy to get frustrated with our children; they are kids, they test the boundaries, and need to be taught right from wrong. But I hope to be able to focus more on cherishing every minute I have with them; even during the tough days. I pray that God will help me to raise my kids to love Him, love others, and love life. And I pray that I will learn the same lessons along the way.
We had 2 funerals today, and although we didn't attend the funeral last Saturday because of Matt's graduation; there was a funeral then too.
One lady in our church lost her son to cancer. He was an adult, and had been on Hospice for a while, so although it was expected, it came sooner than the family thought it would; and of course there is grieving there. The lady from our church is SOOOO sweet. She was telling me that she cared for her mother at home for a few years before she died, and then she cared for her son at home before he died. I told her how amazing and awesome it was that she did that. But how sad too. I held Ms. Grace's hand the night her son died, and she held on so tight. I hated to leave her house that night; but I know God was there holding her tighter than I ever could. And it showed too, her love and trust in God is clearly seen.
The funeral tonight was for one of Matt's students. He died in a car accident this past weekend. He was a senior in high school, 20 days away from graduation; and 21 days after his 18th birthday. I hugged his mom tonight, and again wished I could somehow hug her tight enough to give her strength. But I was amazed at the strength that she already had; and throughout the funeral it was so very clear that God was and is with this family right now in such a mighty way.
The funeral last Saturday was for a 6 year old little girl. She was riding on the back of a golf cart and her foot got caught in the wheel, she fell off and hit her head; and died a few days later.
I can't imagine losing any of my children. Not at 6, not at 18, or even as an adult. BUT as hard as it is to accept; I know that I have NO control over their lives. When we were struggling with infertility, it was so frustrating that some people could "choose" when they wanted to have a child and could easily get pregnant right away, and yet we had NO control over something that we presumed we "would" have control over. We presume that 6 year olds won't die, or that 18 year olds won't die. And it makes it that much harder to accept when they do; because we don't think it can or will happen.
I want to take advantage of every minute God gives me with my children and with my husband; because although I don't even want to say or write it, I know that God is in control of their lives and I have no say so in how long their lives will be. I want to cherish every minute that God gives me with them.
It is easy to get frustrated with our children; they are kids, they test the boundaries, and need to be taught right from wrong. But I hope to be able to focus more on cherishing every minute I have with them; even during the tough days. I pray that God will help me to raise my kids to love Him, love others, and love life. And I pray that I will learn the same lessons along the way.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Prayers
Please pray for Matt, all the teachers, and students at Matt's school today. Friday night one of the high school seniors died in a car accident. It will be a tough day today.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Feeling Better
I am finally feeling better. My depression is much better, my energy is better but still needs attention, and my night terrors have stopped, and my migraines are less frequent and less intense.
I still have several things I want to blog about... but will have to wait.
Need sleep now :)
I still have several things I want to blog about... but will have to wait.
Need sleep now :)
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