Fears

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

I received that this morning as 1 of my 2 Bible verses I get daily. It was very fitting for my thoughts today; well really any day, but especially today. I freely admit I am a fearful person (of certain things and situations). But when you get down to it; most everyone is scared of "something". I think I am just more willing to admit my fears ;)

I hear a lot of parents saying "don't do that, you will get an eye poked out; or you will fall and get hurt, etc. My kids - they (although socially not acceptable to most people) are allowed to jump off the couch, jump on the bed (it's funny when friends come over to play with Ty and he says "lets go jump on the bed, when I walk by, the other kid always stops and looks at me with wide eyes to see if they are in trouble - lol). I have let my kids slide down stairs on plastic box tops (looked like fun), I encourage them to ride roller coasters; you get the picture.

What I am scared of with my kids: falling in a pool (although we did make significant progress with swimming this summer), being bitten by a shark in the ocean, being eaten by an alligator if I let them get too close to the Lakes (we do have lots of alligators and alligators like little kids - bite size I guess), and my all time biggest fear - someone kidnapping them. So how does that inhibit our lives - I don't let them go outside unless I can see them, when we go to the beach (and that isn't often even though we are only an hour or so away) I much prefer they play in the sand than in the water... and if they are in the water I am pretty nervous until they get out, and when we go to the parks that have lakes and all the other parents are taking their kids to the waters edge to see the alligators... I tell mine to stay away. And the biggest thing is I sometimes lose sleep because of either dreamining something bad will happen to them, or going to check on them in the middle of the night, or allowing the twins to get in our bed and Madi in our floor when they ask, because I feel better knowing they are closer to me.

Now...let me remind you before you all tell me how silly and untrusting of God I am being ;)
1. I am diagnosed with and on medication for anxiety and depression - so that does NOT help AT all!! 2. I am being honest with you, if you all search your soul there is probably something that you have an irrational or over exagerated fear about too. 3. I talk to God about my fears almost every day, I have overcome some of them over the years, some I am still working on, and some I really struggle with.

Looking at my list of fears, I realize 2 things:
1 - my biggest fears are related to something happening to my children. Any parent, well let me rephrase that (I do foster care, remember) MOST parents love their children and are naturally protective of them, and would be devastated if something bad happened to them. My fear, in my opinion, goes beyond the norm. I think that is for 2 reasons - 1. I struggle with anxiety and fear anyway, and 2. I waited and prayed for my kids for a LOOOOOONG time!! When you wait and long for something, anything, including children for a long time, it can make you more protective (in my opinion).

2 - my fears are all things that I "feel" or really do not have any control over. Being a nurse, I don't care so much when my kids get a boo boo. If they get hurt, I can most likely fix it; and if not, we will go to the ER or doctor and get it fixed and in the end, they had fun jumping off the couch or sliding down the stairs, etc. But I can't control someone hurting or taking my children when I am not around. So I tend to keep them with me most of the time and only let them go to someone's house if I REALLY trust them.

Situations in our life lately, that I really can't share on here, have made me more concious, more aware, more protective of my kids safety. I woke up this morning with that on my mind. When I checked my email and saw the Bible verse at the top of this page, I felt like maybe God was speaking that to me. I went to Biblegateway.com to look up the context of the verse (always do that, sometimes if you take 1 part of a verse it can sound like one thing, but mean another). So here is what I found:

5 I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

8 So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God,

This verse is really talking about sharing God's love and Word with people without fear.

Having said that... I also know that God gave me my children. They are His first, and mine second. God protected Ty and La when they were frozen in an infertility clinic, he protected Madi through some horrible circumstances surrounding her birth mother's pregnancy and birth. He knew before the beginning of time that they were my children, and he knows what each day holds for them. He has answered my prayers and all 3 of them have devoted their lives to Him. God loves them more than I do. They are only temporarily mine, and forever His. He is always there, even when I am not. I KNOW all of this, and yet I struggle. I struggle with wanting to protect them and keep them safe ALL the time; but I know that as time goes by I have to learn to let them go more and more, because that is the way God meant for it to be. For me to teach them to be independant, to love God, to make wise choices, and then to let them explore this world on their own.

But for now, at 6,6, and 9... with real and possible threats;I will continue to pray and ask God to help me trust Him more, and try to protect when God wants me to, and let them fail when God wants me to, and Trust Him when I have no control - OR when He wants me to hand over control to Him.