"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).
I received that this morning as 1 of my 2 Bible verses I get daily. It was very fitting for my thoughts today; well really any day, but especially today. I freely admit I am a fearful person (of certain things and situations). But when you get down to it; most everyone is scared of "something". I think I am just more willing to admit my fears ;)
I hear a lot of parents saying "don't do that, you will get an eye poked out; or you will fall and get hurt, etc. My kids - they (although socially not acceptable to most people) are allowed to jump off the couch, jump on the bed (it's funny when friends come over to play with Ty and he says "lets go jump on the bed, when I walk by, the other kid always stops and looks at me with wide eyes to see if they are in trouble - lol). I have let my kids slide down stairs on plastic box tops (looked like fun), I encourage them to ride roller coasters; you get the picture.
What I am scared of with my kids: falling in a pool (although we did make significant progress with swimming this summer), being bitten by a shark in the ocean, being eaten by an alligator if I let them get too close to the Lakes (we do have lots of alligators and alligators like little kids - bite size I guess), and my all time biggest fear - someone kidnapping them. So how does that inhibit our lives - I don't let them go outside unless I can see them, when we go to the beach (and that isn't often even though we are only an hour or so away) I much prefer they play in the sand than in the water... and if they are in the water I am pretty nervous until they get out, and when we go to the parks that have lakes and all the other parents are taking their kids to the waters edge to see the alligators... I tell mine to stay away. And the biggest thing is I sometimes lose sleep because of either dreamining something bad will happen to them, or going to check on them in the middle of the night, or allowing the twins to get in our bed and Madi in our floor when they ask, because I feel better knowing they are closer to me.
Now...let me remind you before you all tell me how silly and untrusting of God I am being ;)
1. I am diagnosed with and on medication for anxiety and depression - so that does NOT help AT all!! 2. I am being honest with you, if you all search your soul there is probably something that you have an irrational or over exagerated fear about too. 3. I talk to God about my fears almost every day, I have overcome some of them over the years, some I am still working on, and some I really struggle with.
Looking at my list of fears, I realize 2 things:
1 - my biggest fears are related to something happening to my children. Any parent, well let me rephrase that (I do foster care, remember) MOST parents love their children and are naturally protective of them, and would be devastated if something bad happened to them. My fear, in my opinion, goes beyond the norm. I think that is for 2 reasons - 1. I struggle with anxiety and fear anyway, and 2. I waited and prayed for my kids for a LOOOOOONG time!! When you wait and long for something, anything, including children for a long time, it can make you more protective (in my opinion).
2 - my fears are all things that I "feel" or really do not have any control over. Being a nurse, I don't care so much when my kids get a boo boo. If they get hurt, I can most likely fix it; and if not, we will go to the ER or doctor and get it fixed and in the end, they had fun jumping off the couch or sliding down the stairs, etc. But I can't control someone hurting or taking my children when I am not around. So I tend to keep them with me most of the time and only let them go to someone's house if I REALLY trust them.
Situations in our life lately, that I really can't share on here, have made me more concious, more aware, more protective of my kids safety. I woke up this morning with that on my mind. When I checked my email and saw the Bible verse at the top of this page, I felt like maybe God was speaking that to me. I went to Biblegateway.com to look up the context of the verse (always do that, sometimes if you take 1 part of a verse it can sound like one thing, but mean another). So here is what I found:
5 I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also. 6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. 7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
8 So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God,
This verse is really talking about sharing God's love and Word with people without fear.
Having said that... I also know that God gave me my children. They are His first, and mine second. God protected Ty and La when they were frozen in an infertility clinic, he protected Madi through some horrible circumstances surrounding her birth mother's pregnancy and birth. He knew before the beginning of time that they were my children, and he knows what each day holds for them. He has answered my prayers and all 3 of them have devoted their lives to Him. God loves them more than I do. They are only temporarily mine, and forever His. He is always there, even when I am not. I KNOW all of this, and yet I struggle. I struggle with wanting to protect them and keep them safe ALL the time; but I know that as time goes by I have to learn to let them go more and more, because that is the way God meant for it to be. For me to teach them to be independant, to love God, to make wise choices, and then to let them explore this world on their own.
But for now, at 6,6, and 9... with real and possible threats;I will continue to pray and ask God to help me trust Him more, and try to protect when God wants me to, and let them fail when God wants me to, and Trust Him when I have no control - OR when He wants me to hand over control to Him.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
"forgive up"
Lauren has been trying to say "I give up" but instead, she says "I forgive up" I thought that was cute! I am just so amazed at how Ty and La's lives have really changed sice they accepted Christ. They still get in trouble, they are still hyper, but their love has grown tremendously, compassion, and a sense of right and wrong much stronger than they had before. And all this without my prompting. :)
Psalm 40:8
“I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
Psalm 40:8
“I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”
Monday, October 19, 2009
written on the walls
My 2 favorite musical artists are Todd Agnew and Nichole Nordeman. Todd Agnew has a new CD out, and my wonderful hubby bought it for me yesterday. One of the songs is really speaking to me right now. Part of the chorus says:
"The sound of this world is deafening
And I'm havin a hard time listening
And I wish your will
Was still written on the wall"
Matt often uses the illustration while preaching of God playing "hide and seek" with us... God hides, and He wants us to look for Him, to search for Him, and to FIND Him! When we search for Him, we draw closer to Him; and when we FIND Him, He scoops us up and dances with us in His arms with joy.
Sometimes when I am looking for God, I have a hard time listening, because the sound of this world is deafening - there are so many "other" voices, noises, distractions that make it more difficult to "find" God or His will. "I wish your will was still written on the wall" I feel like that tonight. I enjoy the closeness that comes from the search for God; but sometimes, like tonight, I just wish I could see clearly the writing on the wall, without distractions - to know exactly what God wants me to do, what He wants me to back off from, when He wants me to speak, and when He wants me to be quiet; when He wants me to "do" and when He wants me to wait patiently.
Whether it is writing on the wall, a whisper in my ear, a comment from a friend, or a unique way that God chooses to speak to me; I am simply glad that He chooses to speak to me - even if not in my own way or my own timing.
"The sound of this world is deafening
And I'm havin a hard time listening
And I wish your will
Was still written on the wall"
Matt often uses the illustration while preaching of God playing "hide and seek" with us... God hides, and He wants us to look for Him, to search for Him, and to FIND Him! When we search for Him, we draw closer to Him; and when we FIND Him, He scoops us up and dances with us in His arms with joy.
Sometimes when I am looking for God, I have a hard time listening, because the sound of this world is deafening - there are so many "other" voices, noises, distractions that make it more difficult to "find" God or His will. "I wish your will was still written on the wall" I feel like that tonight. I enjoy the closeness that comes from the search for God; but sometimes, like tonight, I just wish I could see clearly the writing on the wall, without distractions - to know exactly what God wants me to do, what He wants me to back off from, when He wants me to speak, and when He wants me to be quiet; when He wants me to "do" and when He wants me to wait patiently.
Whether it is writing on the wall, a whisper in my ear, a comment from a friend, or a unique way that God chooses to speak to me; I am simply glad that He chooses to speak to me - even if not in my own way or my own timing.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
2%
Madi was going to make Mac-N-Cheese tonight. Matt had homecoming tonight, and I didn't want to cook.
She came to me with a puzzled look on her face and the measuring cup in her hand; she said "I can't find 2% on the measuring cup... it says to use 2% milk" LOL
Once again, who is her teacher?? Guess we need to focus more on measurement in math!
Also, I have figured out 1 positive thing to having a child/children with ADHD... if they ask you a question you really don't want to answer, just wait about 5 seconds and they will already be on to something else and have forgotten about their question :)
And if anyone has any suggestions with obsessive compulsive behavior in children; please let me know. I am planning on making Ty an appt. soon with a counselor. I don't want him to take meds unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. I just wish I knew how to handle his meltdowns and frustrations better. 1 Good thing about a child with OCD, they (at least in this case) don't get in trouble often, because they obcess with doing the right thing. Still not good for them, but does make some aspects easier.
She came to me with a puzzled look on her face and the measuring cup in her hand; she said "I can't find 2% on the measuring cup... it says to use 2% milk" LOL
Once again, who is her teacher?? Guess we need to focus more on measurement in math!
Also, I have figured out 1 positive thing to having a child/children with ADHD... if they ask you a question you really don't want to answer, just wait about 5 seconds and they will already be on to something else and have forgotten about their question :)
And if anyone has any suggestions with obsessive compulsive behavior in children; please let me know. I am planning on making Ty an appt. soon with a counselor. I don't want him to take meds unless ABSOLUTELY necessary. I just wish I knew how to handle his meltdowns and frustrations better. 1 Good thing about a child with OCD, they (at least in this case) don't get in trouble often, because they obcess with doing the right thing. Still not good for them, but does make some aspects easier.
Friday, October 9, 2009
What can happen in 5 days
It has been 5 days since I posted, so i thought i would give you an update on what has happened the past 5 days:
1. New foster baby has been pretty sick and in hospital - finally have him home now :)
2. Tyler and Lauren finally answered questions right and prayed and asked Jesus to forgive them of their sins, and said they want to be baptised. Matt was sitting there, but just kept working on his paperwork - while really listening. The kids LOVE their daddy!! VERY much so! They are not scared of him at all, so I have NO idea why they froze up when talking to him about this?? Anyway, they did it all on their own - they understand, they prayed, they asked for forgiveness, and they asked to be baptised. :) :) :)
2b. One thing they are terrified about (and most adults are too when they encounter this time of their life) - they are scared about walking down the isle to talk to daddy about being baptised, and then the people watching them be baptised. SO... I don't know if this is spiritually acceptable or not, probably not the best... BUT I kinda bribed them (Pam, this is why I tried to call you yesterday - lol). I told them that when they are baptised that Pam and Brittany will most likely come see them :) (Pam - we will work with your schedule; and sorry I used you without asking you - lol) So now they are still nervous, but more excited about Pam and Brit coming that they aren't thinking about all the people looking at them. That may not be extremely ethical, but if that is the worst thing I do today, I'll be doing good :) All I did was try to take their attention off of their fear of being looked at by all those people.
3. Went shopping for fall festival outfits, and discovered that my 9 year old is getting VERY close to being a teenager - in attitude even if not in age :0
4. Found some new herbal supplements, etc. that are REALLY helping with Lauren's ADHD. I am very happy about it because I did not want her on meds because she already has tummy issues. It is not as extreme of a change as i see with madi and her meds, but it is enough to help her focus on schoolwork and not get in trouble as much; as well as get along better with her brother and sister. :)
5. Wednesday... let me just tell u about Wed. I went to the church to make dinner and then the following happened in a matter of an hour... I knocked my glass of mello yello (by the way do u have mello yello where u live? It is everywhere in Al, north FL, GA, etc... but in central and south FL it is very hard to find. So I don't get it that often, and it is my FAVORITE! Matt found some the other day and bought me 3 12 packs - he is so good!!) Anyway, I knocked my glass of mello yello off the counter, shattered the glass and spilled a full glass of sticky soda ALL over the kitchen floor (15 min. before people were to arrive for dinner). Jen got there and mentioned the french fries, and I realized that I had forgotten them for the 2nd time (happened at one other meal) in the deep freezer. We started them on 450, bumped it up to 500, and eventually turned it on broil; and carried them around to the people while they were eating. I was late getting the coffee started, and don't know what I did wrong (I fix coffee every wed. night) but their were grains all in the reg. coffee, not in the decaf thank goodness. Went to fix the kids a plate, forgot I had water running in the sink, came back to find a flood. Made sloppy joes for dinner and put 1/4 ground beef and 3/4 ground chicken because we have quite a few people that can't tolerate red meat well. 1/2 way through dinner a lady comes up and asks me how I made the sauce, as I'm telling her, she looks scared and says "I am allergic to chicken" ARGHHH!! Oh my GOODNESS!!! I go check on her, she is lookin kinda scared, holding her throat some, etc. So I RAN to the house, gave her 3 benadryl and an albuterol inhaler in case she needed it. She ended up being alright. Thank you Jesus!!!
6. I have a REALLY funny story about Tyler, but also really gross, and Matt said I can't write it on here; BUT if you email me, I will tell you :)
That's not even 1/2 of what all happened, but gotta go now. Thankful I have my little baby back home, and thankful I didn't kill anyone with my dinner on Wed.!!
1. New foster baby has been pretty sick and in hospital - finally have him home now :)
2. Tyler and Lauren finally answered questions right and prayed and asked Jesus to forgive them of their sins, and said they want to be baptised. Matt was sitting there, but just kept working on his paperwork - while really listening. The kids LOVE their daddy!! VERY much so! They are not scared of him at all, so I have NO idea why they froze up when talking to him about this?? Anyway, they did it all on their own - they understand, they prayed, they asked for forgiveness, and they asked to be baptised. :) :) :)
2b. One thing they are terrified about (and most adults are too when they encounter this time of their life) - they are scared about walking down the isle to talk to daddy about being baptised, and then the people watching them be baptised. SO... I don't know if this is spiritually acceptable or not, probably not the best... BUT I kinda bribed them (Pam, this is why I tried to call you yesterday - lol). I told them that when they are baptised that Pam and Brittany will most likely come see them :) (Pam - we will work with your schedule; and sorry I used you without asking you - lol) So now they are still nervous, but more excited about Pam and Brit coming that they aren't thinking about all the people looking at them. That may not be extremely ethical, but if that is the worst thing I do today, I'll be doing good :) All I did was try to take their attention off of their fear of being looked at by all those people.
3. Went shopping for fall festival outfits, and discovered that my 9 year old is getting VERY close to being a teenager - in attitude even if not in age :0
4. Found some new herbal supplements, etc. that are REALLY helping with Lauren's ADHD. I am very happy about it because I did not want her on meds because she already has tummy issues. It is not as extreme of a change as i see with madi and her meds, but it is enough to help her focus on schoolwork and not get in trouble as much; as well as get along better with her brother and sister. :)
5. Wednesday... let me just tell u about Wed. I went to the church to make dinner and then the following happened in a matter of an hour... I knocked my glass of mello yello (by the way do u have mello yello where u live? It is everywhere in Al, north FL, GA, etc... but in central and south FL it is very hard to find. So I don't get it that often, and it is my FAVORITE! Matt found some the other day and bought me 3 12 packs - he is so good!!) Anyway, I knocked my glass of mello yello off the counter, shattered the glass and spilled a full glass of sticky soda ALL over the kitchen floor (15 min. before people were to arrive for dinner). Jen got there and mentioned the french fries, and I realized that I had forgotten them for the 2nd time (happened at one other meal) in the deep freezer. We started them on 450, bumped it up to 500, and eventually turned it on broil; and carried them around to the people while they were eating. I was late getting the coffee started, and don't know what I did wrong (I fix coffee every wed. night) but their were grains all in the reg. coffee, not in the decaf thank goodness. Went to fix the kids a plate, forgot I had water running in the sink, came back to find a flood. Made sloppy joes for dinner and put 1/4 ground beef and 3/4 ground chicken because we have quite a few people that can't tolerate red meat well. 1/2 way through dinner a lady comes up and asks me how I made the sauce, as I'm telling her, she looks scared and says "I am allergic to chicken" ARGHHH!! Oh my GOODNESS!!! I go check on her, she is lookin kinda scared, holding her throat some, etc. So I RAN to the house, gave her 3 benadryl and an albuterol inhaler in case she needed it. She ended up being alright. Thank you Jesus!!!
6. I have a REALLY funny story about Tyler, but also really gross, and Matt said I can't write it on here; BUT if you email me, I will tell you :)
That's not even 1/2 of what all happened, but gotta go now. Thankful I have my little baby back home, and thankful I didn't kill anyone with my dinner on Wed.!!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
"Who Is Jesus"
Well, Matt talked to the twins about their prayer the other night. I was sitting in here too, but was trying to be quiet and let Matt talk to them, and ask his own questions to them. Well, he talked to Tyler first; and Tyler answered all of the questions with a clear understanding and his words showed his love for God. Then... Matt asked him "what is sin" and Ty answered "bad" (he went on to answer more in depth correctly"; and Matt said "so who needs forgiveness of sin" to which Ty promptly answered "you and mommy". LOL and oh my goodness, that stinkin little boy!! He then got extremely silly and it was pointless to continue the conversation, so we will go at his pace (and I am satisfied that he loves God and understands salvation very well for a 6 year old).
Then it was Lauren's turn. Matt started with "Who is Jesus", to which she replied "I don't know" ARGH!!! Matt asked her again, "Lauren, who is Jesus", she looked at him funny and said in a questioning tone of voice "Moses". I could NOT be quiet anymore. I reminded her that she knew who Jesus was the day before, (as well as a lot of other important facts). But it was pointless, she continued to insist that she didn't know who Jesus was. So we will talk to her at her own pace as well (again, I am certain that she loves God, and despite her answer, that she DOES know who Jesus is, and has a clear understanding of salvation for a 6 year old.)
Then, while Lauren was still sitting there, Madi walks by. This is the child who has witnessed to people in doctor's office waiting rooms, friends who have come over to play with her, etc. Matt says "Madi, Who is Jesus"? She shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know" AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
What was going on with them that night?!?!
So... this morning at church, Jen says to Lauren "Tell Mr. Phillip what you did the other night, about your prayer. Lauren repeats to them all the right answers she had said to me the other day.
I don't know what their deal was the other night, but it was funny in a very frustrating kind of way. I am not upset about it, because I know that they do know who Jesus is. Tyler and Lauren have said since they were about 2 or 3 that Jesus died on the cross, then 3 days later "he woke up". Now at 6, they add that He died for our sins on the cross, and both have talked about how we couldn't go to Heaven if Jesus hadn't died for our sins. They know He is the son of God, they know He died for our sins, and that He rose from the dead. They say EVERY day that they love God. They are starting to be offended by things that contradict God and His word (like shows on t.v., things we see out in stores - especially here at halloween). So, all that matters is that God know their hearts and that they love Him, and they talk about how Jesus is God and how He died on the cross, and "woke up" 3 days later. Not to mention they are only 6, so I am completely happy with where they are spiritually right now. But I am frustrated with the little boogers for playing like that didn't have a clue about anything when their daddy tried to talk to them!!
Grrrrrrrrr!
Then it was Lauren's turn. Matt started with "Who is Jesus", to which she replied "I don't know" ARGH!!! Matt asked her again, "Lauren, who is Jesus", she looked at him funny and said in a questioning tone of voice "Moses". I could NOT be quiet anymore. I reminded her that she knew who Jesus was the day before, (as well as a lot of other important facts). But it was pointless, she continued to insist that she didn't know who Jesus was. So we will talk to her at her own pace as well (again, I am certain that she loves God, and despite her answer, that she DOES know who Jesus is, and has a clear understanding of salvation for a 6 year old.)
Then, while Lauren was still sitting there, Madi walks by. This is the child who has witnessed to people in doctor's office waiting rooms, friends who have come over to play with her, etc. Matt says "Madi, Who is Jesus"? She shrugged her shoulders and said "I don't know" AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
What was going on with them that night?!?!
So... this morning at church, Jen says to Lauren "Tell Mr. Phillip what you did the other night, about your prayer. Lauren repeats to them all the right answers she had said to me the other day.
I don't know what their deal was the other night, but it was funny in a very frustrating kind of way. I am not upset about it, because I know that they do know who Jesus is. Tyler and Lauren have said since they were about 2 or 3 that Jesus died on the cross, then 3 days later "he woke up". Now at 6, they add that He died for our sins on the cross, and both have talked about how we couldn't go to Heaven if Jesus hadn't died for our sins. They know He is the son of God, they know He died for our sins, and that He rose from the dead. They say EVERY day that they love God. They are starting to be offended by things that contradict God and His word (like shows on t.v., things we see out in stores - especially here at halloween). So, all that matters is that God know their hearts and that they love Him, and they talk about how Jesus is God and how He died on the cross, and "woke up" 3 days later. Not to mention they are only 6, so I am completely happy with where they are spiritually right now. But I am frustrated with the little boogers for playing like that didn't have a clue about anything when their daddy tried to talk to them!!
Grrrrrrrrr!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Twins Again
I would guess (didn't look it up on Webster's) that the definition of "twins" is 2 children born at the same time, by the same parent (mother). Well, Tyler and Lauren were born "again" tonight to the same Father, our One and Only Heavenly Father!! :)
So they are twins again - born at the same time in 2003, and again tonight; 10/1/2009.
The Bible says "believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and you will be saved". Tyler and Lauren have believed that Jesus is Lord for a while now, and they have grown in their love for God over the past year or 2. They have said almost every day for the past year "I love God"... so technically, they have fulfilled that verse before tonight. But tonight was definately Spirit led. Tyler and Lauren were wound up (they always get wound up around 4:00 and stay wired until they go to sleep - we can't figure it out). Matt had gone to take pictures (Doni - this was his first newborn shoot; I will have to send you ((and Tammy)) pics soon). We were sitting at the table eating dinner (cereal, as sad as that is - daddy wasn't home and mommy didn't feel like cooking, and cereal is their favorite; so why not - lol. All of a sudden they both got quiet and still and Lauren said "How do we go to Heaven" I know she meant how do we physically get there; but Matt and I had already discussed a few days ago that it might be time to start talking a little bit more to them about sin, salvation, etc. So, I answered some of their questions and they both said "I love God, I love Jesus, I want to go to Heaven, and I want to be baptized". :) :)
We will talk to them some more because of their age, but I am confident that they understood their decision and meant it. Lauren has talked about it all night. She couldn't wait to tell Daddy when he got home.
Happy momma tonight :)
So they are twins again - born at the same time in 2003, and again tonight; 10/1/2009.
The Bible says "believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and you will be saved". Tyler and Lauren have believed that Jesus is Lord for a while now, and they have grown in their love for God over the past year or 2. They have said almost every day for the past year "I love God"... so technically, they have fulfilled that verse before tonight. But tonight was definately Spirit led. Tyler and Lauren were wound up (they always get wound up around 4:00 and stay wired until they go to sleep - we can't figure it out). Matt had gone to take pictures (Doni - this was his first newborn shoot; I will have to send you ((and Tammy)) pics soon). We were sitting at the table eating dinner (cereal, as sad as that is - daddy wasn't home and mommy didn't feel like cooking, and cereal is their favorite; so why not - lol. All of a sudden they both got quiet and still and Lauren said "How do we go to Heaven" I know she meant how do we physically get there; but Matt and I had already discussed a few days ago that it might be time to start talking a little bit more to them about sin, salvation, etc. So, I answered some of their questions and they both said "I love God, I love Jesus, I want to go to Heaven, and I want to be baptized". :) :)
We will talk to them some more because of their age, but I am confident that they understood their decision and meant it. Lauren has talked about it all night. She couldn't wait to tell Daddy when he got home.
Happy momma tonight :)
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