yesterday, today, and tomorrow

Yesterday:
I had an emotional day. Being a foster parent means facing some emotional situations. There are family visits, falling in love with kids - not knowing how long they will be with you or to whom they will eventually live with forever (birth family, relative, adoptive family, etc), getting to know the birth parents & often becoming friends with them (or at least a friendly relationship), etc. Sometimes there are circumstances that cause your heart, your mind, and your soul to seem to go in different directions. And as a foster parent you are the most involved with the child, yet have the least say in what is best for the child, or making long term decisions for them.

My new foster baby had a visit yesterday, and it was emotional (as all foster care visits are for me).

Then at church last night I was talking to a guy at church who is a police officer. He was telling us that he had his first experience with taking a child away from their birth family with the child protective investigator there and the State ordering the child removed. He said as he reached for the baby, and walked towards his patrol car, he was fighting back tears. That just really complicated my emotions regarding foster care even further.

Here's the thing, emotions can't control your life. They change from day to day, from 1 point of view to another. So what I have to do is keep my emotions in check without letting my emotions disappear; because if/when I get to the point of it NOT affecting me emotionally - If I don't care anymore... then I don't need to do foster care anymore.

Then, last night after church I was driving to Jen's house, and the interview/story about embryo adoption with Dr. James Dobson was on the radio that God used to speak to my heart telling me that embryo adoption was His plan for Matt and I. Of course it was a re-run; I actually read the interview online 7 1/2 years ago. Hearing that was emotional in a way that I can't really explain... happy, reminiscant, and other stuff I just can't put into words.

When I left Jen's house headed home, the interview was ending and they were talking about tomorrow's broadcast which was on... "foster care and adoption".

Then as I pulled into my driveway, Dennis Reiney was talking about the "golden years" of childhood; the years he says is between kindergarden up to puberty. This has been a topic in our house lately too. When we decided to take a break from foster care for a while, this was one of the many reasons. The twins are 6 and Madi is 9. Now is the time that we really want to be able to "go" and "do" with them, to really enjoy spending time with them.

So where does that leave me?? I think right where I started. ;)

TODAY:
Jen sent me an article that basically was saying:
Satan attacks us with confusion (and God is not an author of confusion). He points out troubles in our lives and in the world around us and leads us into a confused state of mind, not knowing where to go or what to do next; sometimes blaming God for the bad that we see happening. And it ended saying that we should "put on the breastplate of righteousness and know that we will not always have the answers, but we can KNOW that the God who cares for us is in control and has our highest interests at heart. When you hold onto that your heart is protected from despair, even if your mind struggles to comprehend what is happening. You can live at peace, even if you don't know all the answers."

(let me talk to Jen for a minute... you were right on with sending this to me today. I know you, and I know that with what I am about to say you are going to think that maybe you shouldn't have sent it, or that I am offended, etc. That is NOT what I mean, if it comes out sounding that way. I think God meant for me to read that today, and He used you as my friend to send it to me... I am just still processing it and analyzing it like I do with everything - lol)

OK, there is a lot of truth in that article. First, we/I have NO control over anything that happens, despite the fact that I struggle daily with trying to remain in control of most things in my life. That is by far my biggest downfall. And anyone who knows me at all can probably see that I am always trying to fix problems, make people happy, do the right thing, etc... but there are SOOOO many times when I can work until I fall down (and just about did at the end of yesterday) but it doesn't mean that I have any more control over situations or life than if I just freely let God lead every minute of my day. I understand that I like to have control and that I can never really have control, so it is a useless waste of my time and energy. I understand that God is all powerful, loving, knows my best interest, and is completely in control. And I am SOOOOOOO glad that He is!!! I also understand that sometimes "bad" situations can be used by God for His glory and turned into wonderful things. I do not understand why he lets things be done in that way instead of just doing them in a good way to begin with, but He is God and I am NOT. :) For instance "my" plans would have been for me to get to be pregnant with Madison instead of her birth mom who didn't make wise choices while pregnant with my daughter that will have some life long effects on her; BUT... God has a reason, a plan, and Madi is an angel, and I am just thankful that He gave her to me; no matter how He chose to do that.

TOMORROW:
What will I do about all of this??? I don't know. Ask God ;)
I have family and friends (many, not just 1 or 2) that think it is in my best interest to follow through with our original plan to not do foster care anymore, because of the time and energy it takes. I do not blame them for thinking that. I know that they honestly have my best interest at heart, because they love me.

Matt and I have talked and to be honest, we have a direction we both "think" God is leading us in (to remain with foster care, especially for our little guy we have right now). For now, I think that is what He wants from me. But I also know that there will always be a tomorrow with new opportunities, challenges, and journeys that God wants us to go on. I will simply have to keep praying until I know for sure what God wants from me.

Here is where I kinda disagree with the article... when it basically says that if we trust God with the details of our life, then we may not know what is going on but our hearts will be protected from despair. I disagree. God never promises that our hearts will be protected from despair, even if we trust Him 100% with every detail of our lives. I felt despair when Logan left, because I truly loved her as my own child. I felt despair the 7 years prior to getting to experience pregnacy. I felt despair when we were told that we could adopt Madi and then 3 Fridays in a row they called to say it was postponed "1" more time.

Where I am now... I know I need to trust God more with the details, and not try to control them myself; I freely admit that ;) But I also feel like even "giving" all these circumstances to God, and not knowing the answers yet as to what He has for me in the future - my heart is still not protected from despair. And I don't think God calls us to always protect our hearts... if we did, there would be no missionaries, no foster parents, no adoptive parents, no parents at all, no pastors, no youth pastors, no friends, etc. All of life is at risk of getting our hearts hurt; but some of God's most noble tasks require us to put our heart on the line and then to serve Him until the time He chooses to reveal the ending situation.

The question is "Am I too tired to continue putting my heart out on "this" line"?
For now... the risk is worth it to me.

And all of that is just related to foster care - lol. I still have issues with being overprotective of my kids, dealing with an over busy life, and my lifelong journey of trying to be where God wants me to be, doing what He wants me to be,as the person that he wants me to be. Another day, we will address those - lol.


On a different note - quickly, I promise (maybe).
1. Jen and Phillip, seriously, thank you for being our friends. You truly are a blessing from God.
2. I have to tell you a few funny things from yesterday:

1. Matt's 8th graders got in trouble in class, so he put them in assigned seats. So they retalliated!! They gave him the silent treatment - LOL, how funny is that. He said at the end of class he was telling them how good and quiet they had been. WHAT were they thinking???
2. We were at the church getting ready for dinner last night, and Jen was walking towards the offices and there is a podium (sp?) that has been sitting there for a few weeks now; well we didn't know that Tyler was hiding inside it, and Tyler didn't know that Jen was walking towards him. Right as she got beside it, Tyler started moving it towards her. ROFL!!!!!! She screamed and jumped. It was truly funny!


If anyone is still reading this, I am impressed - lol. Have a great day, and please share any thoughts you have on the trusting God/protecting heart thing.