I came here tonight to read some of my old blogs and ended up almost crying at seeing how long ago that was, how much the kids have grown, etc.
Madi turns 14 one month from today!! We had the sweetest conversation today. She was saying that she couldn't imagine what her life would have been like if we hadn't adopted her...that her life is better but also that she just can't imagine it any other way. She can drive me crazy sometimes - lol, but oh how I love that girl!!! Since I last posted she is now 5 ft 5 1/2 in. tall. She has been diagnosed with scleroderma and there is still the possibility that it may be systemic - meaning it may affect her internal organs. So far she hasn't had any major problems. All of the skin that has hardened has been places not really seen, so that has been good. It is starting on one side of her face now, but we are hoping that the meds keep it from getting too bad. She will have another CT scan of her lungs soon to determine if it is systemic or not. She also has raynauds and arthritis. Her attitude is SO good about it all! 9 months of monthly IV infusions, and a year of weekly shots...ok, she didn't care for the shots so much, but really, who would? She still plans on adopting from Africa when she is grown, although her number of children has gone down from 16 to around 4 or so - lol.
Tyler is very much like the last post I wrote about him. Tenderhearted, perfectionist, loving, caring, funny, and oh how I love him! He is not growing as fast as his twin sister right now and that doesn't settle very well with him; even though I tried for a few years to prepare him for this! They are 10 1/2 now. He also has to go back to the cardiologist sometime soon because his heart has been beating too fast again. He had a cardiac ablation when he was 4 and another one when he was 6...hoping this time he doesn't have to have surgery again!! He has also been having headaches and feeling weak when he lays down...not sure if this is related to his cardiac problems or not...mentioned it to his cardiologist and he said to bring him in. We also have a neurology appointment for him to check out the headaches as well. While we are at neurology I am going to mention the OCD type tendencies and anxiety. It breaks my heart to see how anxious and upset he gets when things don't go his way. Reasoning with him does not work. It hurts me to see him sad because I know his real personality is so lighthearted and happy.
Lauren is about an inch taller than Ty now, and weighs about 7 pounds more. She has not been singing in church lately. I wish she would try again. I think her voice changed just a little and that discouraged her because she had a hard time with the last song she sang. She definitely has a God-given talent and a beautiful strong voice. I don't want to push too much, but I hate to see her not using her talent. Kinda just waiting to see what she does on her own. She is still in ballet and loves it very much. I love to see her dance even more than I love to hear her sing. She is still my spunky one ;-) Having said that, nothing makes her happier than having all of her family at home, especially if we are all in one place - like watching a movie or something. I think she puts on a hard outer shell because she is really so sensitive inside... in fact, that describes her very well. I love her so very much!
TJ is FOUR now!!! He is potty trained and is even learning to read!! I am a bit scared to teach him to read though, because on 3 separate occasions we have found him trying to order things online, and NOT small things either!! A plane ticket to Mexico, tickets to Disneyland in CA, and most recently car parts off of a Mustang website for which he says he is "getting granddaddy a new car". I am NOT letting him get hold of my debit or credit card!! He tells me he loves me at least 100 times a day and gives me a hug just as many times. He is SO cuddly - but it has to be on his terms! With our older 3 (not counting Scott, he was 10 when he came to live with us) I made it a point to tell them their life stories and how God brought them to our family, I did this from the time they were babies so that it was natural and just a matter of fact, no big deal...just how God put our family together. With TJ being so much younger, I somehow didn't realize I wasn't doing this until Madi asked me recently when I was going to tell him he was adopted...I guess I just though he already knew. So, I have begun mentioning it to him, and luckily he is still young enough that he just looks at me like "ok momma" gives me a hug and runs on to go play. I was sure I loved him from the beginning, but I wasn't sure about "starting over" when the twins who were the youngest at that time were 6 1/2. I can't imagine my life without him! I love him SO much!! He wears me out and takes all of my energy, but he fills me up with love and purpose.
My health - sigh...where to begin...and to keep it short: still have night terrors occasionally, still have spike and wave pattern on EEG during sleep. Tested positive for TB, chest x-ray was negative, so it is not active - Thank you Jesus! Trying a 2nd med for it now b/c 1st one caused too many side effects. Been having chest pains lately, get a cardiac monitor next week to wear for 2 weeks. Had to have a CT scan and they found that my thyroid is enlarged and radiologist wants me to have an ultrasound done - doing that next week as well. Hoping that if I end up getting treatment for under active thyroid that some of my energy will come back!! I have been diagnosed with spondyloarthritis - arthritis in my back (and other joints, but main problem is back). Everything with me seems to be autoimmune - my body attacking itself...which I guess goes with the arthritis, but I am ready to feel better!! I also have had a black spot in the vision of my left eye since July, so 5 months now. Had an MRI that showed 3 lesions, and I have some other symptoms of MS (abnormal feelings on my arms and legs - like water drops other times tingling, tripping over my right foot only, dizzy when I look down, and a few others). BUT doc says 3 lesions aren't enough to say for sure, so still waiting for an answer on that one. I write all of this medical stuff mainly for myself. It really does help to be able to look back and see what was happening in the past and how things are progressing/changing.
I LOVE homeschooling my kids and being home with them; but after 16 years as a nurse and 15 years as a medical foster parent I am having a hard time "finding myself"...life changes too.
Matt is still at Mt. Tabor and we love the people there SO much! He is finishing up a class to be able to be a chaplain...still searching for God's will and a good fit with the church for a part time job to meet our financial needs. We will celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary in 2 1/2 months! =) I love him very much too!
Friday, November 15, 2013
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
TJ March 2012
I wish I was more faithful at posting about the kids more frequently. I love to look back and see how much they have changed. I am not sure if I have already written about some of these things, so if this is a repeat - sorry!
I SO should have written this the day it happened, because I wanted to remember the exact date, but sometime 2 weeks ago - around early March, TJ came up to me, gave me a hug, and said "I love you". This is the first time he has just said it on his own without me telling him that I love him first. Very sweet, and something I want to remember. Matt and I were talking tonight about how TJ is very quick to give hugs to his immediate family, he is very loving when it comes to hugs and kisses, BUT... he does not like to say I love you. It is very rare that he will even say it back to us, so for him to just come up to me and say that was really sweet!!
I think I already wrote about him breaking Matt's external hard drive that had all of his pictures and sermons on it... (I think Matt recovered them all - thanks to Rob!!!) That was also the day that he got out the back door and hid from us for way too long - Matt ended up calling 911 while I was on my way home (driving very quickly). He was in the back yard, and all the gates are locked, and there is no water in the pool - so he was not in any big danger - but it was very scary for us!!
I don't think I have written about the day that he took his diaper off and actually squatted down and aimed for the dog's water bowl and YES - he did pee in it!!! I am thinking that might actually count as a step towards potty training though - lol ;)
We went to AL for spring break (hope to have pics up soon), and he was a showboat and a handful the entire time. He refused to talk to anyone the entire time we were there. He figured out very quickly that if I said "no" he still had a chance with his grandaddy (my dad). It was so funny, he wouldn't talk to him, but he would take him by the hand and lead him to where/what he wanted. My dad kept giving him pennies and change...and as we were loading the car to come home after being there for a week, and TJ not saying hardly anything - he stopped before getting in the car, turned to my dad and said "Thanks for the money". That little stinker!!! I guess at least he said thank you at some point.
He fell in love with my nephew, Dawson. This is cute because Tyler has always loved Dawson. Dawson is Madison's age,12, but he has always been so good at playing with and entertaining Tyler who is 3 1/2 years younger than him. This year he was so good at entertaining and playing with TJ who is 10 years younger than him. One night after taking all the kids to get pizza, we dropped Dawson off at his house, and TJ cried until he fell asleep that night because he didn't want Dawson to go home.
I was very happy to get some pictures of all the kids with my mom, my dad, and my granddad. But I was excited the most about getting pictures of TJ with my granddad. I only had 1 picture of the 2 together, and that was when TJ was a newborn. With TJ getting sick so often, and my granddad being in poor health, it isn't easy to get the 2 together - not to mention we live 9 hours away. It wasn't an easy task getting pictures though! For some reason TJ kept growling at my granddad - lol. My granddad loved it though, and he just growled back ;)
We actually made it the entire week with TJ only breaking one thing - that was a picture frame and happened within the hour before we left - go figure.
His appetite has increased a lot lately, so I am trying to wean him off of some of his pediasure. He has been taking 4 cans a day, but we are down to 1 or 2 a day, and so far his weight is holding pretty steady - he has lost a little bit, so I may have to go back to 2 every day with 3 cans occasionally - but he is doing better with gaining weight and with eating more; so that is good. He has always been a good eater - not picky, but just didn't eat a lot at any given time.
He is still having apneas every night, even with oxygen. We go back to pulmonology in April, will see what he says then. So far it has been that he will have to remain on oxygen until he is old enough to tolerate and wear a CPAP mask/machine.
I do think his seizures have decreased lately. I need to ask his night time nurses if he has had any with them. I am hoping (cautiously hoping) that MAYBE he is outgrowing the seizures!!
I SO should have written this the day it happened, because I wanted to remember the exact date, but sometime 2 weeks ago - around early March, TJ came up to me, gave me a hug, and said "I love you". This is the first time he has just said it on his own without me telling him that I love him first. Very sweet, and something I want to remember. Matt and I were talking tonight about how TJ is very quick to give hugs to his immediate family, he is very loving when it comes to hugs and kisses, BUT... he does not like to say I love you. It is very rare that he will even say it back to us, so for him to just come up to me and say that was really sweet!!
I think I already wrote about him breaking Matt's external hard drive that had all of his pictures and sermons on it... (I think Matt recovered them all - thanks to Rob!!!) That was also the day that he got out the back door and hid from us for way too long - Matt ended up calling 911 while I was on my way home (driving very quickly). He was in the back yard, and all the gates are locked, and there is no water in the pool - so he was not in any big danger - but it was very scary for us!!
I don't think I have written about the day that he took his diaper off and actually squatted down and aimed for the dog's water bowl and YES - he did pee in it!!! I am thinking that might actually count as a step towards potty training though - lol ;)
We went to AL for spring break (hope to have pics up soon), and he was a showboat and a handful the entire time. He refused to talk to anyone the entire time we were there. He figured out very quickly that if I said "no" he still had a chance with his grandaddy (my dad). It was so funny, he wouldn't talk to him, but he would take him by the hand and lead him to where/what he wanted. My dad kept giving him pennies and change...and as we were loading the car to come home after being there for a week, and TJ not saying hardly anything - he stopped before getting in the car, turned to my dad and said "Thanks for the money". That little stinker!!! I guess at least he said thank you at some point.
He fell in love with my nephew, Dawson. This is cute because Tyler has always loved Dawson. Dawson is Madison's age,12, but he has always been so good at playing with and entertaining Tyler who is 3 1/2 years younger than him. This year he was so good at entertaining and playing with TJ who is 10 years younger than him. One night after taking all the kids to get pizza, we dropped Dawson off at his house, and TJ cried until he fell asleep that night because he didn't want Dawson to go home.
I was very happy to get some pictures of all the kids with my mom, my dad, and my granddad. But I was excited the most about getting pictures of TJ with my granddad. I only had 1 picture of the 2 together, and that was when TJ was a newborn. With TJ getting sick so often, and my granddad being in poor health, it isn't easy to get the 2 together - not to mention we live 9 hours away. It wasn't an easy task getting pictures though! For some reason TJ kept growling at my granddad - lol. My granddad loved it though, and he just growled back ;)
We actually made it the entire week with TJ only breaking one thing - that was a picture frame and happened within the hour before we left - go figure.
His appetite has increased a lot lately, so I am trying to wean him off of some of his pediasure. He has been taking 4 cans a day, but we are down to 1 or 2 a day, and so far his weight is holding pretty steady - he has lost a little bit, so I may have to go back to 2 every day with 3 cans occasionally - but he is doing better with gaining weight and with eating more; so that is good. He has always been a good eater - not picky, but just didn't eat a lot at any given time.
He is still having apneas every night, even with oxygen. We go back to pulmonology in April, will see what he says then. So far it has been that he will have to remain on oxygen until he is old enough to tolerate and wear a CPAP mask/machine.
I do think his seizures have decreased lately. I need to ask his night time nurses if he has had any with them. I am hoping (cautiously hoping) that MAYBE he is outgrowing the seizures!!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
new blog
I have a thought - to put my blogs and Matt's blog all together in one place, or at least a website that organizes it, and allows access to all of them. Hopefully I can do that soon.
But... until then, you can find my "newer" blog at:
luvtobamom.blogspot.com
I also hope to organize/seperate my blogs in the future for the topics I like the most - Christianity/God, foster care and adoption, my kids/my family.
But... until then, you can find my "newer" blog at:
luvtobamom.blogspot.com
I also hope to organize/seperate my blogs in the future for the topics I like the most - Christianity/God, foster care and adoption, my kids/my family.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
sleep part 2
I took the new medicine the doctor prescribed for me. I took it 3 nights. Each day following progressed with me being so out of it that I couldn't focus AT ALL!!
So... I have not taken it for 5 nights now. Side effects gone. Yea!
Then, I was back to my original problem of no sleep and excessive tiredness in the daytime. So, I decided to cut back on the medicine I take for night terrors. It has been 4 or 5 nights now... I have had 1 night terror, I am remembering many more dreams than normal which may mean that I am possibly getting into the deeper stages of sleep that I need to... but the problem that follows is that my body still doesn't get rest, because I have night terrors and or intense dreams that raise my heart rate and keep my brain more active than it needs to be while I am asleep.
BUT... after cutting back on that med; I have FINALLY had energy again.
So...I don't know what to do. I don't want to have my meds switched again. I am only on 1 really. But, when I go to the doctors, they always try to put me on more; and I end up in emotional turmoil until I either quit taking it. My body just doesn't seem to tolerate meds well. BUT... I do realize that I need something to help me get the rest I need.
I am torn. I want to, and WILL do whatever I need to do to keep me well. I have a family that depends on me. BUT... what is frustrating is that in the process of trying to get better, it most often results in me getting worse.
As it stands right now these are my issues:
Insomnia - can't go to sleep until early hours of the morning.
Irritability - VERY big problem right now.
Night terrors and interrupted sleep.
Benefits or "good" things:
more energy than I have had in a long time
able to get the things done that I have needed to do for a long time
Dilema - do I choose insomnia and night terrors, but have energy
OR do I choose sleep with no night terrors, but have no energy in the daytime.
Either way, my body does not get the rest it needs. So, I guess in the end I will end up going back to the doctor to see what else can be tried. Sighhhh. :(
So... I have not taken it for 5 nights now. Side effects gone. Yea!
Then, I was back to my original problem of no sleep and excessive tiredness in the daytime. So, I decided to cut back on the medicine I take for night terrors. It has been 4 or 5 nights now... I have had 1 night terror, I am remembering many more dreams than normal which may mean that I am possibly getting into the deeper stages of sleep that I need to... but the problem that follows is that my body still doesn't get rest, because I have night terrors and or intense dreams that raise my heart rate and keep my brain more active than it needs to be while I am asleep.
BUT... after cutting back on that med; I have FINALLY had energy again.
So...I don't know what to do. I don't want to have my meds switched again. I am only on 1 really. But, when I go to the doctors, they always try to put me on more; and I end up in emotional turmoil until I either quit taking it. My body just doesn't seem to tolerate meds well. BUT... I do realize that I need something to help me get the rest I need.
I am torn. I want to, and WILL do whatever I need to do to keep me well. I have a family that depends on me. BUT... what is frustrating is that in the process of trying to get better, it most often results in me getting worse.
As it stands right now these are my issues:
Insomnia - can't go to sleep until early hours of the morning.
Irritability - VERY big problem right now.
Night terrors and interrupted sleep.
Benefits or "good" things:
more energy than I have had in a long time
able to get the things done that I have needed to do for a long time
Dilema - do I choose insomnia and night terrors, but have energy
OR do I choose sleep with no night terrors, but have no energy in the daytime.
Either way, my body does not get the rest it needs. So, I guess in the end I will end up going back to the doctor to see what else can be tried. Sighhhh. :(
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
sleep study
About a year and half to two years ago I had a sleep study done for the purpose of attempting to identify what was causing me to have night terrors.
Since I was 18 years old, I have had night terrors. I wake up screaming, most of the time out of the bed attempting to get away from whatever is scaring me, sometimes even running out of the room, and a few times trying to run out of the house. I have tripped and fallen before because I was trying to "get away" so quickly. And... Matt has had to restrain me before, almost tackling me to keep me from hurting myself in my attempt to run out of the house. 99% of the time, I have no memory of this once I wake up.
After my sleep study 2 years ago, I was put on medication that has put an end to my night terrors - YEA!! I MAY have had a few since then, but not many at all, and not nearly as severe as they were before.
During that sleep study, they saw a few "seizure like spikes" on my EEG. The doctor said that he was NOT diagnosing me with a seizure disorder, because I did not have a seizure, just seizure like spikes on my EEG. SO... the medicine he put me on for the night terrors is also an antiseizure medication. My doctor also assured me that there was no need to worry about having a seizure in the daytime; that IF I had seizures at night, it was predominately a "nightime" event.
Skipping forward to today... I went to the doctor yesterday for a followup from a sleep study I had last week. This time I went because I have been waking up gasping for air, Matt has noticed me snoring loudly and sounding like I was trying to get air, and I have checked and noticed that my oxygen levels were dropping during the night. I have been extremely tired for the past couple of months - more so than my normal tired.
So... during my recent sleep study I had NO apneas, and my only drops in oxygen level were not considered to be substantial. My doctor said "you are not obese, you do not have cardiac issues, there is no need to worry about a few drops in oxygen levels - you are not at risk for respiratory problems. SO...it was kind of a "grrrr" moment for me. I "KNOW" I have had problems with breathing at night... it may not be severe by medical standards, but by "my" standards, it is enough to make me feel crappy; and I am not happy with that. But... my attempts to convince the doctor of this were useless...after all, I am only the patient, not the doctor - lol. (sidenote - Matt is convinced that I only like doctors who listen to me and do what I say. That is not ENTIRELY true, although I will admit it is PARTIALLY true) :)
What they DID find during this sleep study was that I had ONE episode of a seizure like spike on my EEG again. Again, I did NOT have a seizure; so I am not diagnosed with a night-time seizure disorder, but being treated for one just in case. And I asked again, and he assured me that even if I were having seizures at night, it is not related to a daytime seizure disorder, and I do NOT have to worry about that. But... I am thinking (which can be scary) normally after a seizure, even small ones, people are very tired... which causes me to wonder - is that why I feel so tired in the daytime??? Is it because I am having small seizures during the night??? It is at least a possibility.
The other thing they found was that I had a VERY poor quality of sleep. When the doctor looked at my report he said - I have no doubt that you are tired... my graph of the stages of sleep which should show long periods of time in each stage of sleep - actually look like a squiggly line with constant ups and downs. I never got into stage N3 sleep which allows you a deep rest; and I only had 37 minutes total for the entire night of REM sleep where you get the most rest. That really explains a lot as to why I feel so tired.
My doctor first suggested a medicine to help me wake up in the daytime, I told him I was already on the one he was about to prescribe. Then he said - well stop taking that medicine...lol. First he was going to prescribe it, then he told me to quit taking it. He said that it may be keeping me awake at night. Then he was going to prescribe a sleeping pill. I told him that I can't take Ambien - it makes me do crazy things that I don't remember. (funny story I will have to share later). I told him, I wouldn't mind, but my husband would protest greatly, because he has to fight with me all night long whenever I take it. The doctor agreed that it was NOT a good idea for me to take Ambien, he said that was dangerous. ;) So... he prescribed another sleeping pill and told me to try it for 1 month and then let him know how it goes.
Which leads me to why I am writing this today... I did not take my "wake up medicine yesterday" and I took my sleeping pill last night. Although I was somewhat tired, I was still up until 1:00 this morning; and I woke up with the baby this morning when he woke up about 7:45; and I still feel very tired. I will probably write several posts to keep track of my sleep so I can look back on it and hopefully figure something out. My oxygen levels did not drop below 86% last night (that I remember - I will have to ask our night nurse for the kids with medical issues if she heard anything, because sometimes I hit the mute button on the machine, and don't remember it).
Oh, and he told me to drink caffeine. SO by "doctors orders" I am drinking as much coffee and mello yello as I want ;) Actually, I told him that I "DO" drink caffeine, and he said, "well... take more". OK ;) Although that probably will not help with my desire to lose a few pounds. And while I am complaining, it really frustrates me that it is very hard to find "mello yello" here. In Miami, it is almost impossible to find mello yello. In central Florida, it is hard to find, but I do find it occasionally. Lately our Circle K convenience store has had them - YEA!! I like it MUCH better than Mountain Dew, although I will drink Mountain Dew if I can't find Mello Yello. North of here, it is very easy to find mello yello. Just in case you were wondering ;)
I have SO much that I need to do!! I have gotten so far behind on many of my responsibilities. I just have not had the energy to do much. My main focus of course is the kids; so they have gotten the only energy that I have. But... enough is enough; feel like it or not, there is SO much that I have to do. So pray for me today as I attempt to catch up on some of the things that I really need to do.
Oh, and yes... I do realize that I am whining; and NO, I do not like to hear other people while ;) LOL
Since I was 18 years old, I have had night terrors. I wake up screaming, most of the time out of the bed attempting to get away from whatever is scaring me, sometimes even running out of the room, and a few times trying to run out of the house. I have tripped and fallen before because I was trying to "get away" so quickly. And... Matt has had to restrain me before, almost tackling me to keep me from hurting myself in my attempt to run out of the house. 99% of the time, I have no memory of this once I wake up.
After my sleep study 2 years ago, I was put on medication that has put an end to my night terrors - YEA!! I MAY have had a few since then, but not many at all, and not nearly as severe as they were before.
During that sleep study, they saw a few "seizure like spikes" on my EEG. The doctor said that he was NOT diagnosing me with a seizure disorder, because I did not have a seizure, just seizure like spikes on my EEG. SO... the medicine he put me on for the night terrors is also an antiseizure medication. My doctor also assured me that there was no need to worry about having a seizure in the daytime; that IF I had seizures at night, it was predominately a "nightime" event.
Skipping forward to today... I went to the doctor yesterday for a followup from a sleep study I had last week. This time I went because I have been waking up gasping for air, Matt has noticed me snoring loudly and sounding like I was trying to get air, and I have checked and noticed that my oxygen levels were dropping during the night. I have been extremely tired for the past couple of months - more so than my normal tired.
So... during my recent sleep study I had NO apneas, and my only drops in oxygen level were not considered to be substantial. My doctor said "you are not obese, you do not have cardiac issues, there is no need to worry about a few drops in oxygen levels - you are not at risk for respiratory problems. SO...it was kind of a "grrrr" moment for me. I "KNOW" I have had problems with breathing at night... it may not be severe by medical standards, but by "my" standards, it is enough to make me feel crappy; and I am not happy with that. But... my attempts to convince the doctor of this were useless...after all, I am only the patient, not the doctor - lol. (sidenote - Matt is convinced that I only like doctors who listen to me and do what I say. That is not ENTIRELY true, although I will admit it is PARTIALLY true) :)
What they DID find during this sleep study was that I had ONE episode of a seizure like spike on my EEG again. Again, I did NOT have a seizure; so I am not diagnosed with a night-time seizure disorder, but being treated for one just in case. And I asked again, and he assured me that even if I were having seizures at night, it is not related to a daytime seizure disorder, and I do NOT have to worry about that. But... I am thinking (which can be scary) normally after a seizure, even small ones, people are very tired... which causes me to wonder - is that why I feel so tired in the daytime??? Is it because I am having small seizures during the night??? It is at least a possibility.
The other thing they found was that I had a VERY poor quality of sleep. When the doctor looked at my report he said - I have no doubt that you are tired... my graph of the stages of sleep which should show long periods of time in each stage of sleep - actually look like a squiggly line with constant ups and downs. I never got into stage N3 sleep which allows you a deep rest; and I only had 37 minutes total for the entire night of REM sleep where you get the most rest. That really explains a lot as to why I feel so tired.
My doctor first suggested a medicine to help me wake up in the daytime, I told him I was already on the one he was about to prescribe. Then he said - well stop taking that medicine...lol. First he was going to prescribe it, then he told me to quit taking it. He said that it may be keeping me awake at night. Then he was going to prescribe a sleeping pill. I told him that I can't take Ambien - it makes me do crazy things that I don't remember. (funny story I will have to share later). I told him, I wouldn't mind, but my husband would protest greatly, because he has to fight with me all night long whenever I take it. The doctor agreed that it was NOT a good idea for me to take Ambien, he said that was dangerous. ;) So... he prescribed another sleeping pill and told me to try it for 1 month and then let him know how it goes.
Which leads me to why I am writing this today... I did not take my "wake up medicine yesterday" and I took my sleeping pill last night. Although I was somewhat tired, I was still up until 1:00 this morning; and I woke up with the baby this morning when he woke up about 7:45; and I still feel very tired. I will probably write several posts to keep track of my sleep so I can look back on it and hopefully figure something out. My oxygen levels did not drop below 86% last night (that I remember - I will have to ask our night nurse for the kids with medical issues if she heard anything, because sometimes I hit the mute button on the machine, and don't remember it).
Oh, and he told me to drink caffeine. SO by "doctors orders" I am drinking as much coffee and mello yello as I want ;) Actually, I told him that I "DO" drink caffeine, and he said, "well... take more". OK ;) Although that probably will not help with my desire to lose a few pounds. And while I am complaining, it really frustrates me that it is very hard to find "mello yello" here. In Miami, it is almost impossible to find mello yello. In central Florida, it is hard to find, but I do find it occasionally. Lately our Circle K convenience store has had them - YEA!! I like it MUCH better than Mountain Dew, although I will drink Mountain Dew if I can't find Mello Yello. North of here, it is very easy to find mello yello. Just in case you were wondering ;)
I have SO much that I need to do!! I have gotten so far behind on many of my responsibilities. I just have not had the energy to do much. My main focus of course is the kids; so they have gotten the only energy that I have. But... enough is enough; feel like it or not, there is SO much that I have to do. So pray for me today as I attempt to catch up on some of the things that I really need to do.
Oh, and yes... I do realize that I am whining; and NO, I do not like to hear other people while ;) LOL
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tina's Family!! :)
A few notes... we met at Downtown Disney. I thought it is neat that Disneys slogan is "where dreams come true" - Dreams definately came true that day as they saw their daughter for the first time, and she met her parents for the first time :)
AND... we did notice the mickey mouse stickers were not in a great place AFTER the picture, and we moved them then - lol.
AND... we did notice the mickey mouse stickers were not in a great place AFTER the picture, and we moved them then - lol.
need emails
After my computer crashed TWICE, we gave up on having it fixed, and Matt got me a new laptop for mothers day ;)
BUT... in the meantime, I have lost all my contacts for email. We plan on getting all my info off the old computer, but no idea when that will happen.
SO... if you read this, and I have had or need to have your email address, please send it to me. Thanks!
life4embryos@tampabay.rr.com
Life updates:
Matt - only 4 weeks left in school - YEA!!
Me - realized about 2 weeks ago that my oxygen levels are dropping often when I am sleeping; most likely sleep apnea. Explains a LOT of my symptoms and complaints. Planning on making a doctors appt tomorrow!!
Madi - has hit a QUICK growth spurt! She has outgrown almost all of her clothes in about 2 weeks!! Time to buy new clothes. She is now 5 ft 1/2 in tall. I am only 5 ft 3 1/2 in tall. She is 11 and 1/2 years old and only 3 in shorter than me. She will probably outgrow me by the time she is 13, if not before then!
Ty - Spent the night with ReRe and Papa Tom last night... poor ReRe was up till 3 AM with him, BUT... he stayed ;) Of course Papa Tom had to let him and Caleb sleep with him ;) My kids hardly ever spend the night with anyone, glad Ty had a good time and has people from church who love him like their own!! That is very special!
La - Took her first horse lesson the other day, and took off at a trot from the beginning, and never looked back. She cried when the lesson was over, and has asked me every day when she can go back. I am going to have to get busy getting our horse (thinking the name will be Dr. Pepper) ready for Madi and La to ride, because they are both busting a gut to ride him!!
Tina - spent all last week with her parents here in FL, and we ALL had SUCH a great time!!! One of those times when God shows me that HIS plans are perfect ;) Matt and I have some great and wonderful new friends, and my kids have a new "aunt and uncle", and Tina is SO VERY blessed to have her forever home with such wonderful, people. I can not tell you how happy I am about all that!!
Baby "T" - more updates to come soon, but he is doing well. Still has problems with his medical stuff... but oh my goodness he keeps me on my toes!! When David and Darlene (Tina's parents) were here, "T" would make a wrestling stance and then run full force at David - it was too cute ;)
Brindi (the dog) - still thinks she is a lap dog, and still won't allow strangers in the home.
Smokey (the cat) - sleeps in the sink (even our cat is crazy - lol)
Our Japanese fighting fish is not doing so well... trying to get him better, we have had him like a year and a half!!
Dr. Pepper (the horse) - is SO pretty, and SO sweet, but definately has a personality. I have ridden him twice, and have groomed him and picked out his feet several times. We have taken him carrots. Honestly, I think the last time we went to see him, he was mad at me for not bringing carrots. I had eaten cantelope before we went out there, and he kept smelling my hands and my pants and then getting mad at me - lol.
OK, I am off to bed.
Please send me emails so I have your contact info ;)
BUT... in the meantime, I have lost all my contacts for email. We plan on getting all my info off the old computer, but no idea when that will happen.
SO... if you read this, and I have had or need to have your email address, please send it to me. Thanks!
life4embryos@tampabay.rr.com
Life updates:
Matt - only 4 weeks left in school - YEA!!
Me - realized about 2 weeks ago that my oxygen levels are dropping often when I am sleeping; most likely sleep apnea. Explains a LOT of my symptoms and complaints. Planning on making a doctors appt tomorrow!!
Madi - has hit a QUICK growth spurt! She has outgrown almost all of her clothes in about 2 weeks!! Time to buy new clothes. She is now 5 ft 1/2 in tall. I am only 5 ft 3 1/2 in tall. She is 11 and 1/2 years old and only 3 in shorter than me. She will probably outgrow me by the time she is 13, if not before then!
Ty - Spent the night with ReRe and Papa Tom last night... poor ReRe was up till 3 AM with him, BUT... he stayed ;) Of course Papa Tom had to let him and Caleb sleep with him ;) My kids hardly ever spend the night with anyone, glad Ty had a good time and has people from church who love him like their own!! That is very special!
La - Took her first horse lesson the other day, and took off at a trot from the beginning, and never looked back. She cried when the lesson was over, and has asked me every day when she can go back. I am going to have to get busy getting our horse (thinking the name will be Dr. Pepper) ready for Madi and La to ride, because they are both busting a gut to ride him!!
Tina - spent all last week with her parents here in FL, and we ALL had SUCH a great time!!! One of those times when God shows me that HIS plans are perfect ;) Matt and I have some great and wonderful new friends, and my kids have a new "aunt and uncle", and Tina is SO VERY blessed to have her forever home with such wonderful, people. I can not tell you how happy I am about all that!!
Baby "T" - more updates to come soon, but he is doing well. Still has problems with his medical stuff... but oh my goodness he keeps me on my toes!! When David and Darlene (Tina's parents) were here, "T" would make a wrestling stance and then run full force at David - it was too cute ;)
Brindi (the dog) - still thinks she is a lap dog, and still won't allow strangers in the home.
Smokey (the cat) - sleeps in the sink (even our cat is crazy - lol)
Our Japanese fighting fish is not doing so well... trying to get him better, we have had him like a year and a half!!
Dr. Pepper (the horse) - is SO pretty, and SO sweet, but definately has a personality. I have ridden him twice, and have groomed him and picked out his feet several times. We have taken him carrots. Honestly, I think the last time we went to see him, he was mad at me for not bringing carrots. I had eaten cantelope before we went out there, and he kept smelling my hands and my pants and then getting mad at me - lol.
OK, I am off to bed.
Please send me emails so I have your contact info ;)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Tomorrow
Please pray for our family, especially me, around 9 AM Eastern Time Monday morning. I can't give any more details right now; but I would appreciate your prayers VERY much!!!!!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Our 4 legged family member
Here he is:
(OK, this part is written AFTER the original post... I posted it, then viewed it and realized that the "butt" picture is the first one seen - ROFL ;) - so with my warped sense of humor, I am leaving it. We could even get a family portrait done, and everyone put their butts towards the camera - lol. The reason I put that picture on here to begin with was so you could see his long, beautiful tail; it is SOOOO pretty.)
Now... we need a name for him. His name is "Shame" right now, and I just do NOT like that!! So.... any suggestions??? We have discussed the possibilities of:
Ace
Romeo
Shadow
Shiloh
Dr. Pepper
Midnight
I am leaning towards Romeo or Shadow...BUT, I am not set on either one yet.
(OK, this part is written AFTER the original post... I posted it, then viewed it and realized that the "butt" picture is the first one seen - ROFL ;) - so with my warped sense of humor, I am leaving it. We could even get a family portrait done, and everyone put their butts towards the camera - lol. The reason I put that picture on here to begin with was so you could see his long, beautiful tail; it is SOOOO pretty.)
Now... we need a name for him. His name is "Shame" right now, and I just do NOT like that!! So.... any suggestions??? We have discussed the possibilities of:
Ace
Romeo
Shadow
Shiloh
Dr. Pepper
Midnight
I am leaning towards Romeo or Shadow...BUT, I am not set on either one yet.
sore
I am all bruised up this morning...I think I am getting old - lol.
Madi and I rode horses yesterday, so I have bruises and sore muscles from that. Actually, those aren't too bad, because I ride every other week, and I am a LITTLE bit adjusted to it physically.
Then... we had TaeKwonDo last night and we learned how to "fall" correctly. We were on mats, but it still hurt. There was one other lady there last night, and we decided that it is our "build" that was making it hurt worse for us. We were the only 2 who said it hurt our hips. This morning I have visable bruises on my hips. I think I probably didn't fall "correctly" either; that didn't help ;)
And... I got my inversion table yesterday - it was my birthday present. I am really liking it so far; but it is going to take a while to totally get used to it.
So... yesterday, I rode horses for about 45 minutes on a new horse I have never ridden, and he hadn't been worked with a lot recently. Then I went to TKD class, ran around in circles ALOT, fell to the ground repeatedly, and hung myself upside down by my ankles 3 times. This morning my body is reminding me that I am NOT 20 years old anymore ;)
Madi and I rode horses yesterday, so I have bruises and sore muscles from that. Actually, those aren't too bad, because I ride every other week, and I am a LITTLE bit adjusted to it physically.
Then... we had TaeKwonDo last night and we learned how to "fall" correctly. We were on mats, but it still hurt. There was one other lady there last night, and we decided that it is our "build" that was making it hurt worse for us. We were the only 2 who said it hurt our hips. This morning I have visable bruises on my hips. I think I probably didn't fall "correctly" either; that didn't help ;)
And... I got my inversion table yesterday - it was my birthday present. I am really liking it so far; but it is going to take a while to totally get used to it.
So... yesterday, I rode horses for about 45 minutes on a new horse I have never ridden, and he hadn't been worked with a lot recently. Then I went to TKD class, ran around in circles ALOT, fell to the ground repeatedly, and hung myself upside down by my ankles 3 times. This morning my body is reminding me that I am NOT 20 years old anymore ;)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thankful
Thanking God today that my family in Alabama are all safe!!! I was terrified this morning when I saw the news and how close some of the tornadoes were to some of my family.
Also, some more good news to come soon...I will give you a hint - it "is" a new addition to our family; BUT it has 4 legs, not 2 ;)
Also, some more good news to come soon...I will give you a hint - it "is" a new addition to our family; BUT it has 4 legs, not 2 ;)
Monday, April 18, 2011
Breaking Point
Well... on my 37th birthday I broke my first piece of wood in Tae Kwon Do Class :) And I also managed to break the heart of my precious little boy :( :( :(
For WEEKS before my birthday, the kids all started asking me what I wanted for my birthday. Truthfully, "gifts" is WAY down the list on my "love language" list. So, I told Madison that I wanted a "coupon book" for back massages, I told Lauren that I wanted her to sing a song for me in church (that is still to come), and I told Tyler that I wanted him to "TRY" to break a board in TaeKwonDo. I emphasized the word "try" because he is SUCH a perfectionist that I didn't want him to feel bad if he was unable to break it.
There were several problems with Ty being able to break a board - 1. He has NO fat anywhere on his body, including on the sides of his hands where most people have a little padding. 2. He is SUCH a perfectionist, that he worried about it SO much and could not overcome the mental challenge. And 3. he is much shorter than the rest of us, and had to hit the board without as much follow through as the rest of us. All this resulted in him trying about 3 or 4 times, and not breaking the board. That resulted in a meltdown in class. When I looked at his hands he had marks on the side of his hand from it hitting the board :(
I spent the rest of the night telling him that he gave me what I wanted... he "tried". But in his eyes, he failed me on my birthday. That broke my heart into pieces!!!! Then I beat myself up for asking him to do that to begin with!!! I should have known better! It ended up with me explaining to him that what I wanted more than anything was for him to be happy. And that it didn't matter to me if he ever broke a board or not - I want him to have fun trying; and I want him to be happy. I let him stay up late with me, and that helped a little bit. I think he is over it now, thank goodness!!
So... I put the pics on here of Tyler trying his hardest for mommy. I also put the pics on here of Madi breaking a board, me breaking a board, and Matt breaking CONCRETE!!!! The pics of me are horrible - just because I looked horrible that night. I almost cropped out all but the board breaking, but I wanted to prove that "I" broke it ;) Oh, and as you can see... I almost fell on my face - lol. 1. I didn't really expect it to break so easily and 2. I didn't go down on my knee like I was supposed to.
For WEEKS before my birthday, the kids all started asking me what I wanted for my birthday. Truthfully, "gifts" is WAY down the list on my "love language" list. So, I told Madison that I wanted a "coupon book" for back massages, I told Lauren that I wanted her to sing a song for me in church (that is still to come), and I told Tyler that I wanted him to "TRY" to break a board in TaeKwonDo. I emphasized the word "try" because he is SUCH a perfectionist that I didn't want him to feel bad if he was unable to break it.
There were several problems with Ty being able to break a board - 1. He has NO fat anywhere on his body, including on the sides of his hands where most people have a little padding. 2. He is SUCH a perfectionist, that he worried about it SO much and could not overcome the mental challenge. And 3. he is much shorter than the rest of us, and had to hit the board without as much follow through as the rest of us. All this resulted in him trying about 3 or 4 times, and not breaking the board. That resulted in a meltdown in class. When I looked at his hands he had marks on the side of his hand from it hitting the board :(
I spent the rest of the night telling him that he gave me what I wanted... he "tried". But in his eyes, he failed me on my birthday. That broke my heart into pieces!!!! Then I beat myself up for asking him to do that to begin with!!! I should have known better! It ended up with me explaining to him that what I wanted more than anything was for him to be happy. And that it didn't matter to me if he ever broke a board or not - I want him to have fun trying; and I want him to be happy. I let him stay up late with me, and that helped a little bit. I think he is over it now, thank goodness!!
So... I put the pics on here of Tyler trying his hardest for mommy. I also put the pics on here of Madi breaking a board, me breaking a board, and Matt breaking CONCRETE!!!! The pics of me are horrible - just because I looked horrible that night. I almost cropped out all but the board breaking, but I wanted to prove that "I" broke it ;) Oh, and as you can see... I almost fell on my face - lol. 1. I didn't really expect it to break so easily and 2. I didn't go down on my knee like I was supposed to.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The "A" Word
Adoption
How can one word bring up so many different emotions? Perhaps because it has so deeply impacted my life.
The reason for this post - because someone asked me this morning "is he one of your adopted children" First of all, obviously this person doesn't know me very well. First of all - ALL of my children are adopted. Secondly, anyone who knows me even remotely well would never ask me that question.
One word - ADOPTION - makes me smile, stirs up a passion deep inside me, makes me cringe when used the wrong way, makes me want to stand on top of a roof somewhere with a loud speaker screaming to all the world that adoption is a GOOD thing, I want to show EVERYONE that adopted children are no less a part of their family than genetically born children. And... WHY?? Why do people automatically assume that people can't love their adopted children as much as birth children? Why do people think they can ask if a child is adopted, and why would they NEED to ask that? Sometimes I want to say - tell you what... I will tell you about MY child's creation story and you tell me about yours - so how exactly DID your child come to be, oh and don't leave out any details... hee hee ;) I wouldn't do that - well, probably not ;)
I have two settings - mild and watch out ;)
It takes A LOT to get me to the "watch out" mode... but mess with my husband or my children, and you will see it come out of me VERY quickly.
Luckily for the person that asked me that, Matt was sitting next to me, and he answered before I could say anything. Also luckily for that person, Matt answered quickly before my friend (more like sister) Pam, could give an answer. Pam, whom I love very much, is much more likely than me to speak her mind (in a good way), and she is also the mom of two children given to her by God through adoption.
As I get older, I am starting to see that people really don't mean it in an ugly way; they really just do not understand it. But I want to change that.
The people who know me closely often "forget" that my kids are adopted. Simply because they are around us so much that they see that we are a family just like any other family. How can the rest of the world come to see and understand that?
When I sat down to write this, the kids were watching Power Rangers, and I put my headphones on and hit play on my media player, songs are playing randomly. (I HATE listening to Power Rangers, very annoying - lol) Well, as I got to that last paragraph a song came on that automatically calmed me down. It is a song written and sung by my friend Aimee. In it she sings about her kids growing up and how she will always be their mom, and always be there for them. I used her song in a video to show in church one time when we were talking about and doing education on pro-life issues and adoption. So, when it came on, I came back down from a roaring lion to a passive lion ;) I can rest easily knowing that MY children KNOW that they are MY children, but oh how I wish the rest of the world could see that too.
How can one word bring up so many different emotions? Perhaps because it has so deeply impacted my life.
The reason for this post - because someone asked me this morning "is he one of your adopted children" First of all, obviously this person doesn't know me very well. First of all - ALL of my children are adopted. Secondly, anyone who knows me even remotely well would never ask me that question.
One word - ADOPTION - makes me smile, stirs up a passion deep inside me, makes me cringe when used the wrong way, makes me want to stand on top of a roof somewhere with a loud speaker screaming to all the world that adoption is a GOOD thing, I want to show EVERYONE that adopted children are no less a part of their family than genetically born children. And... WHY?? Why do people automatically assume that people can't love their adopted children as much as birth children? Why do people think they can ask if a child is adopted, and why would they NEED to ask that? Sometimes I want to say - tell you what... I will tell you about MY child's creation story and you tell me about yours - so how exactly DID your child come to be, oh and don't leave out any details... hee hee ;) I wouldn't do that - well, probably not ;)
I have two settings - mild and watch out ;)
It takes A LOT to get me to the "watch out" mode... but mess with my husband or my children, and you will see it come out of me VERY quickly.
Luckily for the person that asked me that, Matt was sitting next to me, and he answered before I could say anything. Also luckily for that person, Matt answered quickly before my friend (more like sister) Pam, could give an answer. Pam, whom I love very much, is much more likely than me to speak her mind (in a good way), and she is also the mom of two children given to her by God through adoption.
As I get older, I am starting to see that people really don't mean it in an ugly way; they really just do not understand it. But I want to change that.
The people who know me closely often "forget" that my kids are adopted. Simply because they are around us so much that they see that we are a family just like any other family. How can the rest of the world come to see and understand that?
When I sat down to write this, the kids were watching Power Rangers, and I put my headphones on and hit play on my media player, songs are playing randomly. (I HATE listening to Power Rangers, very annoying - lol) Well, as I got to that last paragraph a song came on that automatically calmed me down. It is a song written and sung by my friend Aimee. In it she sings about her kids growing up and how she will always be their mom, and always be there for them. I used her song in a video to show in church one time when we were talking about and doing education on pro-life issues and adoption. So, when it came on, I came back down from a roaring lion to a passive lion ;) I can rest easily knowing that MY children KNOW that they are MY children, but oh how I wish the rest of the world could see that too.
Monday, April 11, 2011
What I Want to Be
What I Want to Be When I Grow Up - lol ;)
For the first part of my adult life, I know what God called me to do. He gave me my wonderful husband, he led me down the road of infertility for a reason, he blessed me with my children, and he fulfilled my calling to be a wife and a mommy.
I am still called to be a wife and a mommy, and it is an ongoing learning opportunity for me. I am constantly seeing things in a new light, and trying to be the best wife and mommy I can be.
However, I think my calling as a fosterparent is coming to an end. It has taken me a few years to be at peace with this idea - perhaps that was in God's plan as well.
Now, as I am approaching 40 in a few years; I am prayerfully considering this possiblity:
IF it is in God's will, I am planning on going back to school. It will be part time until the kids are a little bit older. It will take me a little bit longer because of not wanting to spend too much time away from home and my family - BUT... my goal/hope is to get my RN. I am going to do a LPN - RN transition program, so it won't take that long. Then, I hope to get a part time job at an OB/GYN office, or perhaps in a hospital somewhere related to birth/babies - be it in the NICU as I have always dreamed of, or in labor and delivery, or as I have done before - in the newborn nursery. At that point, I will also enroll in a Christian University to get my BS in Biology. When I graduate with that degree, my ultimate goal is to pursue a career in embryology!!!! :) I get so excited thinking about this!!!! BUT... I am hoping and praying that by the time that happens - and it will be years from now; that there will be a clinic close by that does embryo adoption/transfers only - because obviously I want to help these little ones live, not die!! Oh, I get so excited thinking about being able to help other people get their precious babies when they adopt frozen embryos!!!!!!! :)
It will be a long road, and lots of work. I want to make sure it doesn't take away from my family. And I definately want to make sure it is in God's plan for my life, and not just my own. But I am excited about even the possibility!!!
For the first part of my adult life, I know what God called me to do. He gave me my wonderful husband, he led me down the road of infertility for a reason, he blessed me with my children, and he fulfilled my calling to be a wife and a mommy.
I am still called to be a wife and a mommy, and it is an ongoing learning opportunity for me. I am constantly seeing things in a new light, and trying to be the best wife and mommy I can be.
However, I think my calling as a fosterparent is coming to an end. It has taken me a few years to be at peace with this idea - perhaps that was in God's plan as well.
Now, as I am approaching 40 in a few years; I am prayerfully considering this possiblity:
IF it is in God's will, I am planning on going back to school. It will be part time until the kids are a little bit older. It will take me a little bit longer because of not wanting to spend too much time away from home and my family - BUT... my goal/hope is to get my RN. I am going to do a LPN - RN transition program, so it won't take that long. Then, I hope to get a part time job at an OB/GYN office, or perhaps in a hospital somewhere related to birth/babies - be it in the NICU as I have always dreamed of, or in labor and delivery, or as I have done before - in the newborn nursery. At that point, I will also enroll in a Christian University to get my BS in Biology. When I graduate with that degree, my ultimate goal is to pursue a career in embryology!!!! :) I get so excited thinking about this!!!! BUT... I am hoping and praying that by the time that happens - and it will be years from now; that there will be a clinic close by that does embryo adoption/transfers only - because obviously I want to help these little ones live, not die!! Oh, I get so excited thinking about being able to help other people get their precious babies when they adopt frozen embryos!!!!!!! :)
It will be a long road, and lots of work. I want to make sure it doesn't take away from my family. And I definately want to make sure it is in God's plan for my life, and not just my own. But I am excited about even the possibility!!!
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Inside Ty's Mind
I would love to see inside Tyler's mind; although I am afraid it might be filled with things over my head - lol.
He is SO loving, and always has been. Matt keeps saying that Lauren doesn't think she should have to do anything to help out around the house. While that is partly true (she does help some), the reason she has that attitude is because her twin brother has always done things for her. Even as toddlers before they could talk well, Lauren would say "something" to him, that only he and her understood; and Ty would go and DO whatever it was Lauren was telling him to do. Now, if Lauren doesn't want to do something, or if she wants something Tyler has, all she has to do is cry and he will give her whatever she wants.
Tenderhearted... last night he was whining, so I whined back at him; but to him it sounded like I was getting on to him/yelling at him. He broke down in tears, crumbled into pieces on the couch.
Perfectionist...he didn't crawl until he could crawl faster than any baby I have ever seen. He didn't walk, ride a bike, swim, or do anything else until he felt like he could do it perfectly. He cries when he makes a mistake on schoolwork. I have had to MAKE him stop erasing and re-writing things because he was making holes in the paper. We work on this daily - trying to teach him that he can not and never will be perfect; I think it MAY be working a little bit.
Smart and deep thinker...this is what sparked my interest in writing this post. Daddy bought him the Transformers 2 movie last night, and we are watching it AGAIN today. As he sat there watching it, I could see the wheels turning in his head. He gets up and goes to his room and comes back with one of his Transformers books. He sits there and reads the book, then gets up and goes to get his Transformers toys. He used the movie and the book to make sure he was lining up his toys correctly and playing out the scenes like they were in the book and the movie.
Only God can understand how much I love that little man. (of course I love all of my kids, just writing about Ty right now). I forgot to mention how funny he is. He definately takes after his daddy like that. All the years I prayed for children - I never imagined that God would bless me this much with all that my kids are to me now. The twins will be EIGHT next month - SOOOO hard to believe. They are still so tiny though. We have finally gotten them above 45 pounds, and I think Ty is at about 47 or 48 right now. I picked him up yesterday and he said - you won't be able to do that much longer, I am getting too big. Made me think of the book "Love You Forever", I used to read that to the kids almost every night.
For such a tiny boy, he is filled with so much love, so much compassion, so much wisdom, so many worries, so much of a desire to do everything right, and yet so much laughter and sillyness ;) And his momma loves him more than he will ever know ;)
He is SO loving, and always has been. Matt keeps saying that Lauren doesn't think she should have to do anything to help out around the house. While that is partly true (she does help some), the reason she has that attitude is because her twin brother has always done things for her. Even as toddlers before they could talk well, Lauren would say "something" to him, that only he and her understood; and Ty would go and DO whatever it was Lauren was telling him to do. Now, if Lauren doesn't want to do something, or if she wants something Tyler has, all she has to do is cry and he will give her whatever she wants.
Tenderhearted... last night he was whining, so I whined back at him; but to him it sounded like I was getting on to him/yelling at him. He broke down in tears, crumbled into pieces on the couch.
Perfectionist...he didn't crawl until he could crawl faster than any baby I have ever seen. He didn't walk, ride a bike, swim, or do anything else until he felt like he could do it perfectly. He cries when he makes a mistake on schoolwork. I have had to MAKE him stop erasing and re-writing things because he was making holes in the paper. We work on this daily - trying to teach him that he can not and never will be perfect; I think it MAY be working a little bit.
Smart and deep thinker...this is what sparked my interest in writing this post. Daddy bought him the Transformers 2 movie last night, and we are watching it AGAIN today. As he sat there watching it, I could see the wheels turning in his head. He gets up and goes to his room and comes back with one of his Transformers books. He sits there and reads the book, then gets up and goes to get his Transformers toys. He used the movie and the book to make sure he was lining up his toys correctly and playing out the scenes like they were in the book and the movie.
Only God can understand how much I love that little man. (of course I love all of my kids, just writing about Ty right now). I forgot to mention how funny he is. He definately takes after his daddy like that. All the years I prayed for children - I never imagined that God would bless me this much with all that my kids are to me now. The twins will be EIGHT next month - SOOOO hard to believe. They are still so tiny though. We have finally gotten them above 45 pounds, and I think Ty is at about 47 or 48 right now. I picked him up yesterday and he said - you won't be able to do that much longer, I am getting too big. Made me think of the book "Love You Forever", I used to read that to the kids almost every night.
For such a tiny boy, he is filled with so much love, so much compassion, so much wisdom, so many worries, so much of a desire to do everything right, and yet so much laughter and sillyness ;) And his momma loves him more than he will ever know ;)
Saturday, April 2, 2011
mistaken identity
Nothing ever seems to go smoothly around here. We had several things going on at one time... Matt and I were cleaning the kitchen, he was taking the trash out, and the kids were getting ready for bed. Brindi (the dog) had already gotten out of the house once earlier today, and I have NO idea how she got out. But at least she came back. As Matt was taking the trash out he called out to tell me that Brindi was out AGAIN, so I went to go let her in the front door, and I saw the cat coming out of our bedroom (thought to myself about the side door being open where Matt was outside) BUT I also saw TJ (our foster baby who is now 18 months old) getting out of his bed AGAIN... so I was trying to get the dog, the baby, and keep the cat inside. I got the dog in, I got the baby back in bed, but sure enough - the cat got out.
A little while later, Matt tells Lauren to look outside and see if she sees him. She said "yes, he's on the porch." So Matt goes outside, picks up the cat, and brings it inside. Just as he gets inside the door, the cat goes CRAZY - claws out, scratching, trying to get away. So he puts it down, and all of us at once say "is that our cat??" Nope, it looked very similar to our cat - but it was NOT our cat - LOL.
We opened the door to let the cat out, Brindi decided to chase it, Matt chased after Brindi... got the dog back inside. But as of now - the cat still has not returned.
Don't know why I found that so funny, but I have laughed ever since that happened. I think you had to see it. Matt was holding it, trying to pet it, and it was fine until he walked through the door; then it went crazy... and about 5 seconds later we all went - "that's NOT Smokey"!! It was really funny.
Now I just hope OUR cat comes home, because if he doesn't, I am going to have one VERY sad little girl on my hands.
UPDATE - I was about to hit the button to publish this post when Madison saw Smokey outside. I went to get him and he would let me get about 2 feet away from him, but no closer. I am already in my pajamas, chasing this stupid cat in our front yard with a flashlight. He goes across the street, into the neighbors yard, since she is a church member, I decide it is ok to go into her yard at 11:00 at night chasing my cat. Finally, he went sniffing around a trash can, and after running through a cobweb - YUCK - I reached out and caught him by his tail. So all is well. It is 11:20 PM, I have all members of the family, including all pets; so I am off to bed :)
A little while later, Matt tells Lauren to look outside and see if she sees him. She said "yes, he's on the porch." So Matt goes outside, picks up the cat, and brings it inside. Just as he gets inside the door, the cat goes CRAZY - claws out, scratching, trying to get away. So he puts it down, and all of us at once say "is that our cat??" Nope, it looked very similar to our cat - but it was NOT our cat - LOL.
We opened the door to let the cat out, Brindi decided to chase it, Matt chased after Brindi... got the dog back inside. But as of now - the cat still has not returned.
Don't know why I found that so funny, but I have laughed ever since that happened. I think you had to see it. Matt was holding it, trying to pet it, and it was fine until he walked through the door; then it went crazy... and about 5 seconds later we all went - "that's NOT Smokey"!! It was really funny.
Now I just hope OUR cat comes home, because if he doesn't, I am going to have one VERY sad little girl on my hands.
UPDATE - I was about to hit the button to publish this post when Madison saw Smokey outside. I went to get him and he would let me get about 2 feet away from him, but no closer. I am already in my pajamas, chasing this stupid cat in our front yard with a flashlight. He goes across the street, into the neighbors yard, since she is a church member, I decide it is ok to go into her yard at 11:00 at night chasing my cat. Finally, he went sniffing around a trash can, and after running through a cobweb - YUCK - I reached out and caught him by his tail. So all is well. It is 11:20 PM, I have all members of the family, including all pets; so I am off to bed :)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Sandcastles and Signs
Our church is going through the book "One Month to Live" by Kerry and Chris Shook. It is set up to read one chapter/message each day for one month. We read the days individually, Matt (as pastor) sends out an email each day and asks for feedback; and then we have a discussion on Sunday night. It has been amazing, my only regret is that with me being sick and the kids being sick, I have missed too much. And due to my own lack of prioritizing right - I have missed reading several days. BUT... I want to share about the past 2 days:
Yesterday, Matt sent out an email that said this:
Ok..simple question today…looking for lots of responses…
Which ‘sign’ do you have the most trouble obeying? Why?
Have a blessed day!
To which I replied - "The 70 mile per hour sign on I-4" ;)
He wasn't as amused as I was. Oh well. The only other reply he got until last night was from Jenn that said "Call me blonde, but what signs" Love you Jenn ;)
Matt was giving me the look last night like Jenn and I were in 5th grade giving him goofy answers to a test - lol. I think we may be in trouble on Sunday - lol... But he loves us :) Jenn did figure it out, and I did go read yesterdays message and I wrote him a "sincere" email response last night, plus he got one more from a guy in church, so he was happy :)
Synopsis from the book
4 SIGNS:
1. One Way Streets... there are 2:
1. Admit my need for God in all my life situations, especially the most difficult ones.
2. Realize that God is the only One who can lead me in the right direction.
2. Stop Sign - stop, look, and listen.
We often get so caught up in what we don't have, that we overlook the possiblilities of what God has already given to us. Stop worrying, and Start looking!
Take everything we have and give it to God - our time, talent, resources, and energy... all are God's starting place in our lives. Our willingness to surrender ALL to God activates God's intervention and blessings.
3. U Turns Allowed
Make a U-Turn from a negative direction to a positive direction
4. Yield Ahead
It's essential that we begin serving others with the blessings that God has already given us.
(That is my thoughts on the authors four points mentioned)
For me, I think the hardest two signs are the Stop Sign and the U-Turns allowed. I worry way too much and I easily overlook what He has already given me. And...I have a negative attitude WAY too much, and need to focus more on what God has for me today - the blessings, the callings, my LIFE.
And then today's reading... "Sandcastles"
It could be another post easily; but I will keep it short ;)
Symbolizes our lives as sandcastles that we pour our time, talent, energy, finances, our EVERYTHING that God has given us; and one day the water will wash it all away - Will we leave a legacy? Are we investing in eternal things or temporary things? The only true eternal things are relationships and sharing God in our relationships.
In Matt's email he asked us to write a sentence (15 words or less) for how we want to be remembered at the end of our life. In the book, it asks us to write our obituary. Starting with our as it has been so far and then continue it well into the future. What do you want to be known for when you pass on? What legacy will you leave in your relationships?
This has caused me to think seriously this morning. Some things I would have previously said were probably a waste of my time, I now consider valuable resources of my time. And some things that I stress over every day, because I don't do them well enough are probably not that important anyway.
I am going to leave this post with 2 statements - 1. How I want to be remembered and 2. What I hope to change in my life from this point on to work towards leaving the legacy that I want to leave.
1. I want to be remembered as:
Someone who loved God sincerely, showed my love for God and people in a "real" way, loved my family deeply, cared about people in need, a child advocate, an advocate for life - both born and unborn, and a person whose life people saw Jesus in; a person who leaves a legacy of LOVE - love for God and love for people.
2. How I hope/need to change to work towards being remembered that way:
I need to be more careful with the words that I say to my children. I may show them love, and give a lot of myself to them; but I know that my words hurt them at times. I need to be a better helpmate to Matt. This is one area that I think God has called me to specifically, but I probably neglect the most. I need to give more, care more, show love more to people in need. Sure I give food to the homeless, we support a World Vision Child, we do foster care... but I see kids in desperate situations on television, through World Vision emails, etc - and my kids have so many toys that we can't keep them all put away - not a great example of good stewardship. I want to teach my children to love God first and to love all people. We talk about this daily, and I wonder why when I focus on it so much they continue to fight so much. Perhaps it is because instead of taking them to visit a lonely widow in the nursing home they are playing with their Nintendo DS, instead of cleaning out their toys to give to the Salvation Army, they are playing games on the computer or Wii. Matt and I TRULY set out with the intention of teaching our kids to LOVE and to not be so self-absorbed in "today's" world - but we have gotten sidetracked on that road. I don't think I need to throw the t.v. out the door - although it really wouldn't bother me ONE BIT and I have threatened to do so MANY TIMES!! ;) I think there can be mutual ground...they can have toys and enjoy childhood - as long as they care more about others in need and are being taught to care about those in need and being taught to be WILLING to do something about it - to be compassionate and be willing to DO something to make a difference, rather than just feeling sorry for less fortunate people, and remaining where they are in their life with their "too much" stuff.
Same goes for me... I give...I give of my time, my money, my "self"; sometimes I don't know how I can give anymore - BUT if I were to let GOD be in complete control of my life, let HIM set my priorities, then I wouldn't be so stressed that I can't sleep at night. If I gave my schedule to God, I wouldn't dread looking at my calendar. If I gave my every minute and every decision to God, then I wouldn't be forced to be evaluating my life so much today - as to what needs to change to accomplish how I want to be remembered. If I lived my every moment with and for God, then there would be no question about the legacy I will leave when the time comes that the waters wash away my "sandcastle".
Worry and stress, trying too hard, not giving it to God - my biggest challenges...Loving God, loving others, showing others God's love in my life - those are the goals I want to achieve.
Yesterday, Matt sent out an email that said this:
Ok..simple question today…looking for lots of responses…
Which ‘sign’ do you have the most trouble obeying? Why?
Have a blessed day!
To which I replied - "The 70 mile per hour sign on I-4" ;)
He wasn't as amused as I was. Oh well. The only other reply he got until last night was from Jenn that said "Call me blonde, but what signs" Love you Jenn ;)
Matt was giving me the look last night like Jenn and I were in 5th grade giving him goofy answers to a test - lol. I think we may be in trouble on Sunday - lol... But he loves us :) Jenn did figure it out, and I did go read yesterdays message and I wrote him a "sincere" email response last night, plus he got one more from a guy in church, so he was happy :)
Synopsis from the book
4 SIGNS:
1. One Way Streets... there are 2:
1. Admit my need for God in all my life situations, especially the most difficult ones.
2. Realize that God is the only One who can lead me in the right direction.
2. Stop Sign - stop, look, and listen.
We often get so caught up in what we don't have, that we overlook the possiblilities of what God has already given to us. Stop worrying, and Start looking!
Take everything we have and give it to God - our time, talent, resources, and energy... all are God's starting place in our lives. Our willingness to surrender ALL to God activates God's intervention and blessings.
3. U Turns Allowed
Make a U-Turn from a negative direction to a positive direction
4. Yield Ahead
It's essential that we begin serving others with the blessings that God has already given us.
(That is my thoughts on the authors four points mentioned)
For me, I think the hardest two signs are the Stop Sign and the U-Turns allowed. I worry way too much and I easily overlook what He has already given me. And...I have a negative attitude WAY too much, and need to focus more on what God has for me today - the blessings, the callings, my LIFE.
And then today's reading... "Sandcastles"
It could be another post easily; but I will keep it short ;)
Symbolizes our lives as sandcastles that we pour our time, talent, energy, finances, our EVERYTHING that God has given us; and one day the water will wash it all away - Will we leave a legacy? Are we investing in eternal things or temporary things? The only true eternal things are relationships and sharing God in our relationships.
In Matt's email he asked us to write a sentence (15 words or less) for how we want to be remembered at the end of our life. In the book, it asks us to write our obituary. Starting with our as it has been so far and then continue it well into the future. What do you want to be known for when you pass on? What legacy will you leave in your relationships?
This has caused me to think seriously this morning. Some things I would have previously said were probably a waste of my time, I now consider valuable resources of my time. And some things that I stress over every day, because I don't do them well enough are probably not that important anyway.
I am going to leave this post with 2 statements - 1. How I want to be remembered and 2. What I hope to change in my life from this point on to work towards leaving the legacy that I want to leave.
1. I want to be remembered as:
Someone who loved God sincerely, showed my love for God and people in a "real" way, loved my family deeply, cared about people in need, a child advocate, an advocate for life - both born and unborn, and a person whose life people saw Jesus in; a person who leaves a legacy of LOVE - love for God and love for people.
2. How I hope/need to change to work towards being remembered that way:
I need to be more careful with the words that I say to my children. I may show them love, and give a lot of myself to them; but I know that my words hurt them at times. I need to be a better helpmate to Matt. This is one area that I think God has called me to specifically, but I probably neglect the most. I need to give more, care more, show love more to people in need. Sure I give food to the homeless, we support a World Vision Child, we do foster care... but I see kids in desperate situations on television, through World Vision emails, etc - and my kids have so many toys that we can't keep them all put away - not a great example of good stewardship. I want to teach my children to love God first and to love all people. We talk about this daily, and I wonder why when I focus on it so much they continue to fight so much. Perhaps it is because instead of taking them to visit a lonely widow in the nursing home they are playing with their Nintendo DS, instead of cleaning out their toys to give to the Salvation Army, they are playing games on the computer or Wii. Matt and I TRULY set out with the intention of teaching our kids to LOVE and to not be so self-absorbed in "today's" world - but we have gotten sidetracked on that road. I don't think I need to throw the t.v. out the door - although it really wouldn't bother me ONE BIT and I have threatened to do so MANY TIMES!! ;) I think there can be mutual ground...they can have toys and enjoy childhood - as long as they care more about others in need and are being taught to care about those in need and being taught to be WILLING to do something about it - to be compassionate and be willing to DO something to make a difference, rather than just feeling sorry for less fortunate people, and remaining where they are in their life with their "too much" stuff.
Same goes for me... I give...I give of my time, my money, my "self"; sometimes I don't know how I can give anymore - BUT if I were to let GOD be in complete control of my life, let HIM set my priorities, then I wouldn't be so stressed that I can't sleep at night. If I gave my schedule to God, I wouldn't dread looking at my calendar. If I gave my every minute and every decision to God, then I wouldn't be forced to be evaluating my life so much today - as to what needs to change to accomplish how I want to be remembered. If I lived my every moment with and for God, then there would be no question about the legacy I will leave when the time comes that the waters wash away my "sandcastle".
Worry and stress, trying too hard, not giving it to God - my biggest challenges...Loving God, loving others, showing others God's love in my life - those are the goals I want to achieve.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
sick again
Blah... I am sick - AGAIN. We went to Miami for a few days last week, and I thought at first that it was just allergies. That of course wasn't the case. I have been sick ever since. I think my biggest issue is - not having the energy to do what I need to do.
Laundry is piling up big time.
I have kept up with homeschool until today. My blood pressure this morning was 85/58 (a side effect that happens occasionally with one of my meds). SO in addition to coughing constantly, I have no energy because my blood pressure is too low.
SO... I am on the couch. Not getting anything done. At least I cleaned and dusted the T.V. and entertainment center yesterday, so the one place I am looking at is clean ;)
Laundry is piling up big time.
I have kept up with homeschool until today. My blood pressure this morning was 85/58 (a side effect that happens occasionally with one of my meds). SO in addition to coughing constantly, I have no energy because my blood pressure is too low.
SO... I am on the couch. Not getting anything done. At least I cleaned and dusted the T.V. and entertainment center yesterday, so the one place I am looking at is clean ;)
Monday, March 21, 2011
WOW
1 Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.
2-3I am emphatic about this. The moment any one of you submits to circumcision or any other rule-keeping system, at that same moment Christ's hard-won gift of freedom is squandered. I repeat my warning: The person who accepts the ways of circumcision trades all the advantages of the free life in Christ for the obligations of the slave life of the law. 4-6I suspect you would never intend this, but this is what happens. When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.
Galations 5:1-6 The Message
Lord, in my whirlwind of living life, help me to set my eyes solely on living a life of
"Faith expressed in love"!!!
2-3I am emphatic about this. The moment any one of you submits to circumcision or any other rule-keeping system, at that same moment Christ's hard-won gift of freedom is squandered. I repeat my warning: The person who accepts the ways of circumcision trades all the advantages of the free life in Christ for the obligations of the slave life of the law. 4-6I suspect you would never intend this, but this is what happens. When you attempt to live by your own religious plans and projects, you are cut off from Christ, you fall out of grace. Meanwhile we expectantly wait for a satisfying relationship with the Spirit. For in Christ, neither our most conscientious religion nor disregard of religion amounts to anything. What matters is something far more interior: faith expressed in love.
Galations 5:1-6 The Message
Lord, in my whirlwind of living life, help me to set my eyes solely on living a life of
"Faith expressed in love"!!!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Midterm's
I recently did my mid-year eval of the kids for homeschool. I normally do this over Christmas break, so I was a little late this year - lol. But I was pleased with their results. Our county states that we have to prove that our homeschooled children are being taught in progression and are progressing at their level of ability. I do SAT 10 tests at the end of the year to turn in to the school board, my friend Sharlene does them for me - she is a teacher at a public school. I had thought about doing 2 sat 10 tests this year, because I was concerned about where they are... but I am pleased to say that all of them progressed from last years mid-term test. I just use the free lifepac placement test for math and language arts every year in the middle of the school year to see where they are, what I need to focus more time on, etc. So... I am pleased. I did see some areas that I have neglected, and now I need to focus on that.
I am thinking about the mid-term of my life too ;) Although Matt is the one that turns 40 this year ;) (had to throw that in there) Am I learning what I need to learn from God? Am I progressing in my walk with my Heavenly Father to the best of my ability? Am I allowing Him to teach me, or am I stubbornly insisting things go "my" way? Am I ready for my "final exam"?
Let me say that I am not a "works" focussed person. I believe that God cares most about my love for Him, and my love for others than my "work". But I also believe that because I love Him, He expects me to grow and mature and progress in my walk with Him. He doesn't want me to stay where I am in my walk with him when I have the potential to do more for Him, to trust Him more, to Love Him more, to love others more, to tell others about Him more.
I had the privaledge of talking to a lady at church on Sunday who gave her life to Christ that day and prayed her own prayer to accept Christ's payment for her sins, and tell God that she wants to do better and to do what she has wanted to do for a long time - give her life to Him. She was telling me that she is brand new, and needs basic information. I was telling her some of the things that God has done in my life. It's funny... I have heard God speak to me these words "I will never leave you nor forsake you" then God confirmed it by having a friend walk up to me out of the blue and say "God says in the Bible, I will never leave you nor forsake you" WOW, right?!?! I have had God literally catch my car as it was rolling over during a car accident and set it down so gently on the ground that it didn't shake me. The engine was knocked out of the car and I walked away unharmed except for a few pulled muscles where the seatbelt caught me as the car stopped rolling suddenly and then sat back down gently on the ground. I have felt the amazing presence of the Holy Spirit at Matt's ordination service when women stood around me and the pastor's wife (unaware of me going through the process to adopt the twins through embryo adoption at that exact time) praying for me that God would give me the desires of my heart; and after 7 years of praying within 1 month I was pregnant with Tyler and Lauren. My mother in law said to me when we called to tell them I was pregnant - she said "I knew it, when the pastor's wife prayed for you to have the desires of your heart, I knew that you would be pregnant" My God is SOOOOO big, and SOOOO amazing, and has never let me down. Sure, I have had hard times, and things haven't always gone my way. There have been prayers that were not answered the way that "I" wanted. But my God has always loved me. So why after all of these amazing things do I still try to hold on to the reigns a little bit? What is the "best of my ability"? It is more than baby steps, I am beyond that. God has proved Himself to me time and time again. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me!! Yet, time and time again I find myself getting anxious over situations, having trouble sleeping because I am so stressed out. Why can't I pass the "trust" part of my life? Actually, I think it is the "letting go" part I always fail. I DO trust God. It is as if I am standing on a platform looking back at God with His never failing arms ready to catch me, and I know that I can close my eyes, fold my arms, and fall back safely into his arms... I KNOW that, I believe it with ALL of my heart; but the fear of falling causes me to hesitate. The fear of the sense of falling completely out of control makes me hold on a little longer. Lord, help me to let go, to close my eyes, fold my arms - giving you full control, and simply fall into your arms - and help me to enjoy the thrill of the fall instead of letting the FEAR of the fall keep me from enjoying the thrill of letting you catch me and take me where you want me.
I am thinking about the mid-term of my life too ;) Although Matt is the one that turns 40 this year ;) (had to throw that in there) Am I learning what I need to learn from God? Am I progressing in my walk with my Heavenly Father to the best of my ability? Am I allowing Him to teach me, or am I stubbornly insisting things go "my" way? Am I ready for my "final exam"?
Let me say that I am not a "works" focussed person. I believe that God cares most about my love for Him, and my love for others than my "work". But I also believe that because I love Him, He expects me to grow and mature and progress in my walk with Him. He doesn't want me to stay where I am in my walk with him when I have the potential to do more for Him, to trust Him more, to Love Him more, to love others more, to tell others about Him more.
I had the privaledge of talking to a lady at church on Sunday who gave her life to Christ that day and prayed her own prayer to accept Christ's payment for her sins, and tell God that she wants to do better and to do what she has wanted to do for a long time - give her life to Him. She was telling me that she is brand new, and needs basic information. I was telling her some of the things that God has done in my life. It's funny... I have heard God speak to me these words "I will never leave you nor forsake you" then God confirmed it by having a friend walk up to me out of the blue and say "God says in the Bible, I will never leave you nor forsake you" WOW, right?!?! I have had God literally catch my car as it was rolling over during a car accident and set it down so gently on the ground that it didn't shake me. The engine was knocked out of the car and I walked away unharmed except for a few pulled muscles where the seatbelt caught me as the car stopped rolling suddenly and then sat back down gently on the ground. I have felt the amazing presence of the Holy Spirit at Matt's ordination service when women stood around me and the pastor's wife (unaware of me going through the process to adopt the twins through embryo adoption at that exact time) praying for me that God would give me the desires of my heart; and after 7 years of praying within 1 month I was pregnant with Tyler and Lauren. My mother in law said to me when we called to tell them I was pregnant - she said "I knew it, when the pastor's wife prayed for you to have the desires of your heart, I knew that you would be pregnant" My God is SOOOOO big, and SOOOO amazing, and has never let me down. Sure, I have had hard times, and things haven't always gone my way. There have been prayers that were not answered the way that "I" wanted. But my God has always loved me. So why after all of these amazing things do I still try to hold on to the reigns a little bit? What is the "best of my ability"? It is more than baby steps, I am beyond that. God has proved Himself to me time and time again. He has promised to never leave me or forsake me!! Yet, time and time again I find myself getting anxious over situations, having trouble sleeping because I am so stressed out. Why can't I pass the "trust" part of my life? Actually, I think it is the "letting go" part I always fail. I DO trust God. It is as if I am standing on a platform looking back at God with His never failing arms ready to catch me, and I know that I can close my eyes, fold my arms, and fall back safely into his arms... I KNOW that, I believe it with ALL of my heart; but the fear of falling causes me to hesitate. The fear of the sense of falling completely out of control makes me hold on a little longer. Lord, help me to let go, to close my eyes, fold my arms - giving you full control, and simply fall into your arms - and help me to enjoy the thrill of the fall instead of letting the FEAR of the fall keep me from enjoying the thrill of letting you catch me and take me where you want me.
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