10/22/10 AM

OK, so today I had scheduled: 1 visit from a foster care social worker, 1 visit from my foster care licensing worker, and 1 visit with the baby's birth family. The visit got cancelled, the social worker came at a different time, which wasn't a big deal; and I still have the licensing worker coming out this afternoon. I have been working on the long list of things I need to do before he gets here this afternoon, and I can tell u right now - it isn't going to be finished. And yes... I do NOT need to be on here right now. But I just had to take a break from it all. Here is my list of things I needed to do today:

Go to the store - NOT going to happen

Go to the bank - Has to happen, but now sure how or when

visit - got cancelled

licensing worker - coming this afternoon

get fishing poles ready for tonight - I get to go fishing with friends on the Gulf tonight ;) :) :)

Make Lauren a doctors appt - not done yet

make a plan to catch up on homeschool - behind 1 week in science, history, and Bible

math and reading are up to date

get papers together to fax to schoolboard for foster daughter - not done yet and a month overdue

check on address change needed for Medical Foster Care/Medicaid part - not done yet

call doctor about records I requested 2 weeks ago for Madi to change in one of her specialists - not done yet

call my durable medical equipment company about a change in settings on one monitor and missing stuff from last delivery - not done yet

fax orders to CMS and Nursing Agency - HAS to be done today, and not done yet

talk with Matt and get on calendar about going to visit my family and our trip to Miami

Need family pictures for homeschool project, need to call several family members - none called yet

email my cousin in Indiana about her Dad's research into our family history that would be

awesome for our homeschool project - not done yet

and one more phone call that I can't give details about for my foster daughter - 2 weeks overdue

What I "have" accomplished today:

had one home visit

fed the kids breakfast and lunch

medical stuff with foster kids

copied income information for relicensing

wrote an email that wasn't necessary

wrote on here twice - again, not necessary

cleaned the kitchen

taken care of 5 kids all day (no public school today, but Matt's private school he teaches at does have school today, so he isn't home yet)

I feel very weepy, grouchy, and tired. I am not depressed or sad. I am overwhelmed and tired of the same old stuff that I face day in and day out that wear me down and make me not want to tackle the jobs I need to do. I realize I HAVE to do them, I just keep putting them off, because I see so much to be done. I know I need to break it down into small bits and prioritise; but that would mean that I have one more thing to do, and to be honest; I don't want to do any of it!!

I "want" to keep BOTH of my foster kids right now.... I love them dearly, and hopefully soon I can tell you more about at least one of them. But what gets me down is having to fax papers, fill out papers, call people, see people, etc.

Oh, and I forgot I also have to schedule my yearly sanitation inspection. Before he comes out I have to take all of the pediasure out of the cardboard boxes, because they don't allow cardboard boxes - they say it attracts bugs. Then I have to find a place to store all of the loose cans. I have to make sure that all of my laundry is done and put away the day that he comes. And I have to make sure I still have a thermometer in the fridge and freezer. Check the temperature on the hot water heater. Make sure all cleaning supplies - including laundry detergent is locked up. Etc., etc. etc.

My thoughts and torn feelings today:

I can not tell you with words how much my heart really and truly does long to help every child out there who doesn't have a home, a mom and a dad to love them. I don't mean that to praise myself - I suck at a lot of things, and screw up all the time... but I really do love my foster children, and it honestly breaks my heart that there are SOOOOO many kids out there in horrible situations, or without someone to love them and show them God's love. My body is breaking down, my mind is getting tired, but the # of kids who need a mom to love them just keeps getting bigger and bigger! As I wrote that last statement the baby's apnea alarm went off... he needs me; not just right now - he needs me to care for him every day. I know everyone can't do foster care or adopt; and I know I can't foster or adopt every child... but I wish I could find a way to make a bigger difference; reach more people who would be willing to foster or adopt. ??? :(

OK, I am off to tackle at least a few things on my list. Will write later how it goes.