Thought for this morning, and pretty much any other time lately:
Like I said before, my heart is still into foster care 100%, but my mind is getting overwhelmed and frustrated, and my body is literally being torn down because of it. Since July 1997 we have had either a baby or a toddler OR an older child with medical conditions in our home... which pretty much means that for 13 years 3 months I have been lifting, carrying, picking up the weight of these wonderful kids. BUT my back is telling me that it isn't happy about it. I was recently told I have degenarative disk disease (which, although not great is not as uncommon or as horrible as it sounds).
Still no permenant decisions on my part. I realize that my body can not do this forever. I also realize that there are SO many kids out there who really need someone to love them and give them a safe place to live. I have many conflicting thoughts - read an illustration this morning that just like on an airplane they tell u to put your oxygen mask on yourself before helping the children with you, you have to take care of yourself so that you are able to help your children. I see this very much in my life. Another fosterparent emailed me recently and mentioned that they may take a break soon because she can't effectively homeschool her children while doing all that foster care involves. This is SOOOOO true, and my children are evidence of this!!! I have woked EXTRA hard this year to put homeschool high up on the priority list; but when I have kids in my home that are on oxygen and have several different forms of medical equipment, or I have to do visits with family, or go to staffings, or go to court, or fax every doctors order I get, and paperwork out the yazoo.... it is very difficult.
So... I have to start to think - CAN I do what I need to do with Madi, Tyler, and Lauren when it comes to school and continue medical foster care??? The answer - I don't know. I have made it "work" for 3 years, but I know it hasn't been the "best" for them academically. Some positives - they learn to care for others in need, it teaches them a lot of "good" characteristics.
The bottom line is - what is God calling me to do NOW. and the answer is - I DON"T KNOW!
When I was going through infertility, I knew that God had called me to be a mom and I didn't understand why He would do that and then not let me "have" children. That led to us being foster parents which I whole-heartedly believe was part of God's plan!! But now that my kids are getting older and need me to do more with them - is God's plan for my life different now than it was 13 years ago??? I don't know! When I faced infertility, I still longed for children - for my children to keep forever, to be MINE! Now that I have my children, I still long to care for other children in need, but I wonder if I can continue to do all that I am doing now; or rather can I do it all with the ability and success that God would want me to. ?????
Just to be clear, I have 2 foster kids right now; and I am NOT going to rush into any decision because both of these kids need me right now. Hopefully can give more details later, when it wouldn't break confidentiality. I can say that one of them is up for adoption, and I am desperately trying to find a loving Christian home for that child.
Other really quick thoughts - I have thought about going back to school. I am only 4 or5 classes away from my Associates in Science degree in Bible (depending on which school I look at). I hate to be that close to my degree and not finish it.
I also have thought about going back to school with my nursing...?????
And I have dreamed about just staying home with my kids and focussing on teaching them, playing with them, and being able to focus on the church more.
No comments:
Post a Comment